Embrace differences that drive your bond

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This article was published 05/03/2022 (1613 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is older than me by seven years. She is a tiny thing. I joke that I’m seven years older, but seven times bigger than she is, so it all evens out. We’re also from different ethnic backgrounds. We celebrate everything in our cultures and honour our different religions. Life is fun together.

Our problem is other people who drop sly remarks, or come right out and comment on how different we are. I get so fed up with it. How can we shut them up?

— Had Enough Baiting, West End

Dear Enough Baiting: Shine a light on what they’re doing with a response like, “So, you have a problem with our being different? What is the problem, as you see it? I’m listening.” Then go silent, with a neutral look on your face (no snarling), and wait while they struggle to defend themselves.

Another solution to getting sideways criticism is to agree and throw it back. You could say, “You’re right, we are different in many visible ways, yet we are in complete harmony on the inside. Tell me how it is with you and your partner.”

Every time a person seems to be trying to criticize your differences, invite them to go deeper and talk about the real issues. They’ll probably make an excuse and go away because you’re not easy prey. They were just looking to give you a quick shot, but you changed the dynamic by challenging them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m homesick for the lake. In other winters, we could go out for a weekend and warm the cottage up, and have some fun with winter sports like snowshoeing and cross-country skiing. I feel like we’re missing something important. The cottage in winter was great for our love life too — you know, getting away from the teenagers at home. Got any help for us?

— Homesick for Our Cabin, Winnipeg

Dear Homesick: People tend to love their summer cottages in a romantic kind of way. You need to reconnect to that beloved cabin and lake soon, even though it’s still snowy. As soon as there’s a break in the weather, it makes sense for you two to go off to the cottage on a day trip. Check it out for needed repairs and evidence of any small, furry visitors.

Also, consider starting on a small building project that you can first do work on in the city. Take exact measurements when you’re there, then buy supplies and start the building as soon as spring decides to show her face.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I are in our 20s and only been married for two years. She has become a pest during COVID. When I come home, she’s right there waiting because she’s bored (she lost her job in the pandemic). She is making me her job!

She jumps on me when I come in the door, feeling tired. She’s often wearing lingerie. I don’t want more sex! It feels like a second job to have to do it, right after coming home from work. I think once a night before sleeping is enough. Any suggestions?

— Her Worn Out Husband, Sage Creek

Dear Worn Out: Your wife is bored stiff, and planning to have sex is more fun for her than doing nothing. I think you’ll agree she really needs a job and a purpose, other than being your sex partner.

As the pandemic winds down, there’ll be lots of jobs that need filling. Talk to her about what she’d like to do work-wise — in her old employment area or something different. Maybe she’ll need to do some training to go after the job of her dreams, and should start researching any schooling she would need now.

Meanwhile, get your wife out in the world for a few little drives per week after work. Call her as you’re leaving from work, invite her to pack some snacks, or ask if she wants to go to a drive-thru.

Try to stop being angry with her for wanting you. Remember, the husband who’s getting too much action is still way better off than the guy who can’t remember the last time his mate wanted him. Now, that’s really sad.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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