Regaining trust in marriage calls for expert help

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This article was published 04/03/2022 (1667 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This week I was throwing some of my husband’s clothes in the washer and I found a receipt for expensive flowers in one of his pants pockets. This was not from the same little shop as my Valentine flowers. I got a spring bouquet, and she got a dozen red roses.

I’m not a dumb woman. I just handed him the receipt, and he turned red to the tips of his big ears. I had a pretty good idea who it was — one of my “friends” he did some painting for.

He went out in his car right away. I called her immediately and asked her if she got flowers from my husband on Valentine’s Day. There was a big silence. I said, “I thought so!” and hung up.

My husband maintains it was a stupid little crush, nothing has gone on between them and that’s that. It’s been weeks, and I still don’t believe him. Now what? I’m from a very old-fashioned, marriage-loving family with a tough father and brothers.

— So Unbelievably Sad, Fort Rouge

Dear So Sad: If you want your husband to break down and tell you the whole story, including how it could happen, will you be able to forgive him? Maybe not. Is that why nothing has happened so far?

If your goal is to end up together in a marriage that’s stronger than ever, you two really need relationship counselling now to try to talk out how it happened and to try to heal the wounds on both sides. If he doesn’t want to go, go to the first sessions without him.

Don’t rely on family for counselling, as they are naturally prejudiced and your dad and brothers may be the type who want to threaten him. That isn’t going to help.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a wreck because her third husband just left her. I knew he was going to leave. The only way she can fool a guy is to hide she’s an alcoholic and marry the guy fast.

I tried to wash my hands of my mother a long time go, but she gets drunk and calls late at night to cry the blues. “Call me when you’re sober, Mom,” is what I say to her, before I hang up. She’s old enough that I worry she’ll stumble and fall, and if I don’t answer, nobody else would get her help, and she could die.

Now she’s “heartbroken” and I’m getting more and more of her pathetic drunken calls. What can I do?

— At My Wit’s End, West Kildonan

Dear Wit’s End: You’ve hit the limit of what you can take. Recognize you need serious help with coping — you can’t just try to do it on your own.

Al-Anon is a mutual support group, primarily for family members and close friends of alcoholics. You can learn skills to deal with your mother’s behaviours and how to best handle your own responses — from experienced people. In the end, you’ll hopefully develop your own sense of peace. For more information, phone 204-943-6051 or visit al-anon.org. There are no dues or membership fees for Al-Anon.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I wanted to drop some old drinking buddies from high school days, but they just keep calling me to go out for beers. Finally, this week, I stupidly told one of them I was “moving on” and that I felt our interests weren’t the same anymore.

He said, “You sound like you’re breaking up with a girl!” Then, he told me what I could do with myself. Half an hour later, a mutual friend phoned me up, sounding drunk. He asked me if I was “breaking up” with him, too. He was laughing his butt off! I could hear the donkey laugh of the first guy I had unloaded on in the background.

This is turning out bad for me. I don’t want to hang out with my high school drinking friends anymore. How do I get rid of them, without getting a bad name?

— Kind of Blew it, Brandon

Dear Blew It: The two guys you talked to by phone are feeling insulted, so they’ll quickly tell some of the old gang you think you’re too good for them. Fair enough, you do think that. But, if there are friendships in group you want to salvage, you’d better talk to them ASAP, and explain what happened.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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