Sister’s tardiness could be passive-aggressive tactic

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This article was published 26/04/2022 (1615 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My older sister has no respect for other people’s time. Each and every engagement, she is late by a half hour or more. She waltzes in like it’s no big deal. Well, it is a big deal!

Our last New Year’s Day get-together, she was 45 minutes late, and kept everyone waiting to eat. The beautiful multi-course dinner I prepared with sauces was getting cold and dried out.

I was so mad, I took her aside and said, “If you arrive late, don’t expect me and everybody to hold dinner for you.”

Well, she did it again this Easter. I waited 15 minutes and started to serve the dinner. She arrived more than half an hour late. She saw our big family all sitting down, eating. If looks could kill, I’d be dead!

She walked over, threw her salad on the table and left, slamming the door. Sure, her behaviour cast a bit of a nasty feel on to the family dinner, but enough is enough. My mom said I should have waited for her. “That’s just the way your sister is.”

I lost my temper and fought back. My older sister, and now my mom, are angry with me. My other two siblings — two more sisters — are siding with me. Why this has become my problem? I gave her fair warning. What else could I have done?

— Upset Hostess, St. James

Dear Upset: Maybe your sister is tired of having you as the host/boss of the parties. Sibling competition and jealousy are real problems in many families, even after sibs are grown up.

Also, there are more ways than one to express annoyance. Your older sister has that figured out. No one’s going to tell her to be on time. She has a busy life, and people can darn well wait!

So here’s what you can do next: take yourself out of the role of major chef and co-ordinator of way too many dinners. Others want and need to take turns.

For next year’s holiday dinners, your mom and dad can draw names and email the results. Phoning the results would be a mistake as it’d invite arguing. People should know they can trade dinners with each other if they need to do so.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I broke up with my boyfriend in Grade 9 — in the same classroom as me — it was because he had another girlfriend, behind my back. Everybody knew but me. He never got over that fight — because I spat in his face!

I’m 18 now, and way past childish spitting. Unfortunately, my new boyfriend and I ran into that jerk and his current girlfriend at the mall last weekend.

He actually dragged her over to us and said, all excited, “She’s the one I told you about!” I kept my cool. Then he said, “Remember what you did to me at school?”

I replied, with no expression: “No, I don’t remember. You must have made something up.” Then I turned to the girl and said, “Never believe a word he says. He was always a liar.” He looked deflated.

My boyfriend and I walked away, and forgot about it. We have better things to think about. I have one question: why don’t guys like that loser learn not to mess with girls like me?

— Shaking My Head, Winnipeg

Dear Shaking: Whoa! He hurt and disrespected you in Grade 9 — and you countered by spitting in his face. Two un-classy moves, but then you both were very young at the time.

It seems this guy is still immature at 18, as he continues repeating that tired old story to other girls, thereby exposing himself as a cheater. You definitely won this round, and can be sure he won’t mess with you again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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