Don’t let blindsiding cheater get away with it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/04/2022 (1565 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was out visiting a girlfriend in another neighbourhood, and on the way home I saw my husband’s unusual car. I quickly turned into that street, and waited to see what he was doing there.

After more than a half-hour waiting, the love of my life came strolling out with a pretty young woman. She walked him to his car, and kissed him passionately on the mouth. I sat there in complete shock. My husband roared out of the street, showing off his hot car to her.

I could not confront him. I still haven’t.

We’ve only been married a few years! Never would I have suspected he was even capable of cheating on me. We have a great marriage, and a very full and active sex life, or so I thought. I love my husband, and I don’t want my marriage to be over! Why would he need to cheat on me? Obviously, I’m not enough.

— Keeping Silent, Garden City

Dear Keeping Silent: He gambled with your heart, probably thinking he’d never lose it. Sometimes cheating is not about hunting for someone better; it’s more about suddenly meeting someone who’s willing and available.

Another woman may be just a “treat” in your husband’s mind — a reward for being “so good” in his marriage most of the time.

When you finally confront him and demand to know the whole story, he’ll be in shock. Before you make that move, see a lawyer you don’t share with your husband, to be clear about your rights.

If you’re seriously thinking of keeping this guy, and it sounds like you are, the solution will be more than simply forgiving him and believing him when he promises to be a good boy. You need serious counselling to work through this, and so does he if he doesn’t want to lose you.

Here’s an important question to consider at the end of the counselling process: Do you get the feeling he learned a lesson, and is truly sorry and won’t be repeating the cheating? Or, did he just learn he has to be more careful?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Back on Valentine’s Day, I started seeing a woman I’d really been attracted to for a long time. I thought the feelings were growing for her, too. (We are both women in our early 30s.) Then I find out two months later that she’s seeing other “women friends” as well as me.

I was shocked! I’m a one-woman woman, and I told her that. She just smiled and said, “Well, I’m not.”

Then she had the gall to ask me if I wanted to go on a trip with her this summer to a music festival. What kind of game is she playing with me?

— Head Spinning Around, Wolseley

Dear Head Spinning: She’s trying to tell you she’s about having many friendships, not deep romantic relationships. Once people understand that, they won’t invest too much of their romantic emotion. She isn’t looking for that — not right now. It’s time to start seeing her as an activities pal and for you to look elsewhere for love.

Down the road, when you’re no longer miffed, you won’t misinterpret her asking you to take part in some fun activity with her. It’s not a date or the beginning of a relationship, it’s just having fun.

No matter one’s sexuality, it’s always important to identify the people who are looking for deep, romantic relationships and those who simply aren’t.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Six years ago, I made a mistake and moved away to go to university. My girlfriend had to go to school in Winnipeg, to be what she wanted to be. I had other women in my life in Ontario, but never got over my first love.

On the advice of my older brother, I moved back to Winnipeg recently, and I have an OK job here. The thing is my old girlfriend has a boyfriend, a guy who dotes on her. She says she doesn’t trust me enough to give our love another try. “You left me once and didn’t come back for six years. Why should I trust you now?“ she keeps saying. Please help!

— What Now? St. James

Dear What Now: You were not nearly as hurt as your girlfriend was when you took off for Ontario on your big adventure. That means she went through a lot more pain than you did, and had to rebuild on top of that. She doesn’t trust you, and for good reason.

If you want to win her back, you’re going to have to accept what she says, and try to be her friend. She may get to the point where she trusts you enough to say goodbye to the guy she’s with. But, that’s a long shot. If she tells you there will never be another chance, you must believe her now.

Then consider moving back to Ontario to work, and fire your brother as your relationship adviser. Once there, you’ll have more current friends and work contacts to help you get a good job. And you can get busy looking for a new, important love, without being shadowed by your “first love” dreams.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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