Expand inner strength by gaining more insight

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This article was published 07/05/2022 (1552 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother is healthy and a good athlete. I never talk about the condition I have, so he won’t feel guilty. Sometimes it’s exhausting trying to keep up with him — on top of taking my medications, their side effects and everything else I have to do.

My parents say: “Why don’t you take it easy? You don’t have to compete with your brother. Just be yourself.” Easy for them to say. Being myself is a drag.

I must admit, though, I’m definitely getting better and stronger. Faking it is helping me make it. I’m building more muscle and strength slowly. Other people who have the condition I have sit on the computer at home and play computer games, and don’t get in any better shape.

I just wish I felt less resentful that I have this condition and my brother doesn’t. I don’t know if anything can help that.

— Wishing Things Were Different, south Winnipeg

Dear Wishing: You feel frustrated and angry, and your brother may secretly feel frustrated and guilty he got dealt the luckier hand.

The difference between you is nobody’s fault, and not a measure of anything that really counts. Things will even up over time, but that doesn’t help you now.

You already have inner wisdom developing, and a lot of people who just sail through life don’t ever get that. Something that could be a big help to you now would be some private sessions with a psychologist who specializes in people with physical challenges and the feelings that go with it.

You’re already doing a lot of good for your body physically. Now you have to balance that with improving your self-esteem and reducing your anger and the need to show your brother you’re just as good. He may actually think you’re the braver and wiser one.

Your brother doesn’t just like you a lot, as friends do, he loves you. That doesn’t mean he feels sorry for you, but he feels empathy. You need to learn how to say, on your low-energy days (without feeling like a failure), that you’re tired and need to “rest up” rather than going too hard. He’ll understand and won’t be disappointed in you sitting out. Maybe he’ll even just suggest playing cards and relaxing.

Feeling you have to compete with him puts unnecessary stress on both of you. The goal is to find a way to feel understood by each other and in sync. That’s the ease of having a great sibling.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a guy with a girlfriend who doesn’t like the size of her breasts. They’re heavy and really hurt her. But when she starts complaining and talking about “doing something about it,” I go silent and she thinks that means I disapprove of her having a reduction procedure. I don’t! I just feel queasy at the thought of anybody cutting into her body. I love her. What if something bad happened to her, and I’d encouraged it?

Last night she brought up the topic again. I finally exploded and said, “I don’t want to be responsible for anything bad that might happen to you on the operating table.”

She said, “Fine, be like that.” What the heck was I supposed to say? Now she’s gone silent on the subject.

— Can’t Win for Losing, East Kildonan

Dear Can’t Win: Your safest line where breast surgery is concerned is this: “I love you any which way. I will support whatever you want to do. I want you to be happy.” She can’t argue with that, and you can’t get into too much trouble. Do not get tricked into expressing an opinion on the beauty of breast size.

Many women live with breast pain and feel it’s just the lot of women. It certainly is not. Ask your girlfriend if she’s discussed everything with her physician yet, and encourage her get the best medical opinion she can.

Don’t be afraid to talk with her on this subject, especially since you’re supportive of what she wants. The fear that made you go silent was coming from the heart.

Your lady, of course, has all the say in this decision, but she has a good man in you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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