It’s time to be open about cooled marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/05/2022 (1284 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel like my husband loves the idea of having a wife, but he doesn’t really love me anymore — if he ever did. He has been cool towards me for almost a year, and he works a lot of extra nights.

On a hunch, I decided to check out a few things while he slept, and one thing was his precious wallet. He forbids me to even touch it, for some unknown reason.

I waited until he was sleeping deeply, and took it out of his pants pocket and ran downstairs like a dog with a bone. I dug and dug and finally located a little spot where I felt I could peel back some old material, and get my finger in.

A torn piece of a photograph came out! It was the face of his university love — the love of his life. He was engaged to her when she suddenly decided to go to Europe to study for a whole year. She came back and broke the engagement off, and broke his heart “in a million pieces,” he once told me very bitterly.

I’ve always suspected he still had a thing for her, though. So, after finding the photo, I did some further investigating and found out she’s been living back in Winnipeg for the last year or so. She is divorced now.

Please tell me what to do with this information! It might mean nothing, or it might mean a lot. I need to get to the bottom of this. I’m pretty miserable now. I’ve always suspected I’m…

— Not His Dream Girl, Fort Whyte

Dear Not His Dream Girl: He could be carrying that photo and never take it out, but guarding that wallet is suspicious! People are people, and it’s unlikely you can sit on this hidden photo for very much longer.

So, tell your husband gently you have been feeling a coldness in the marriage the last year, and ask him to tell you if he feels the same thing. Depending on his answer, you might ask him if he’s aware his former fiancée is back in town. Watch his face closely. As his wife who’s hurting, you have a right to ask this question.

Tell him you need to know how he feels about this old ex now, and if he’s been in contact with her again.

Depending on what comes out, you may want to confess you snooped in the wallet he makes such a big deal about guarding. Then you could ask him why he’s carrying around a photo fragment of his former fiancée. Or, you might just let that go, if the coldness between you does not seem to be about her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out my mom already has a boyfriend! That sure didn’t take her long. She says it doesn’t matter, since Dad has already moved out. That was only two months ago.

I don’t want my mother seeing a boyfriend already, and definitely not here where I happen to live. If some guy starts coming over here, I’m going to run away to my grandparents’ place, if they’ll let me stay.

Should I ask them now? My mom will be really mad, but I need to know what’s happening in my life, and I’m already so upset! If she isn’t looking after me right, then I guess I need to look out for myself.

I’m in high school and I need to pass my year. To do that, I need a place to live safely, and study without some strange guy in it!

— My World Is Crashing, North End

Dear Crashing: Don’t wait for the sky to fall. Jump in and ask all your questions, soon. But first, you need to meet this guy in your mother’s life, and answer the biggest question of all — if you like him or not. He might be a good guy, or he might not feel right. At least check him out and trust your instincts.

Ask your mother outright if she’ll be allowing this guy to stay overnight, or if she intends to stay at his place some nights. If neither of these things are the case at this point, your home life will probably stay like it is, at least for a time. She may just have the new boyfriend visit at your home when you are away with your dad, for overnights.

But, if she tells you she intends to have the new boyfriend staying at your house soon, ask her openly: “Weekdays or weekends?” Then tell her you’ll need to ask your grandparents to keep you at those times. Asking outright to live full-time with your relatives could be too much for them — and for you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography