Be upfront about importance of marriage to you

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This article was published 11/05/2022 (1594 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How long should a woman wait to be asked to get married? I’ve been sharing my life and bed with a wonderful guy for the last two years who swears he loves me. He even calls me “the woman I love” in front of anyone who wants to listen. I know he adores me, but still no engagement ring, and no wedding date!

I don’t want to pressure him, but I want to be his lawfully wedded wife, have children with him that have a legal daddy, and for us to be together forever!

I just don’t want to appear pushy.

— Not Shy, But Proud, St. Boniface

Dear Proud: Your man doesn’t know how much marriage means to you, so you have to tell him — not tearfully, but happily and assertively. Say something like: “I love you, and I want to be married to you, have your children and be together forever. That’s what I see for us!” Then give him a happy kiss, and let that simmer in his brain while you happily go about your business. Give him time to process this idea.

A week or two later, remind him what you said, and ask him if he feels the same way. If he says he does, smile and ask if he’d prefer a summer or fall wedding! Then bring a calendar to him and figure out a date together. If he’s at a loss, suggest a particular date that could work well for getting it all together.

The decision to marry is kind of like car-buying for many guys: If a man sees the car of his dreams, and there doesn’t seem to be a price to pay, he isn’t going to ask. But, he won’t be that surprised when he finds out there is a price for such a valuable thing. He’s likely to smile and think, “Yup. Should have known!” and then sign on the dotted line.

TV host Steve Harvey taught a lesson similar to this in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment. You might enjoy reading about how men think.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was woken up recently in the middle of the night by non-stop pinging coming from my husband’s phone, on the nightstand. Thinking it was an emergency, I jumped up and quickly looked at the message. I managed to see who was messaging before my husband grabbed the phone from my hand. It was from one of his female co-workers, who’d been working closely with him.

He went to the guest bedroom and slammed the door. When he came out, he said, as if it explained everything: “She had a bit too much to drink.” I could see on his face there was more going on than he was willing to say.

We went back to bed, but neither of us could get back to sleep. My head was spinning! As he was leaving the next day for work, he said, “She’s been going through a bad breakup, and I told her to call me if she ever needed to talk.”

I could see by the look on his face he was lying! I replied, “Was that the best you could come up with?” He said, “You’re paranoid!” and left.

He came home that night smelling of alcohol — and breath mints. He’s been sleeping in the spare bedroom ever since. Every time I try to talk to him, he walks away or takes off in the car. Maybe I did overreact, but my stomach says otherwise. Is he having an affair with that woman?

— Losing My Marriage? St. James

Dear Losing: If this woman’s husband is gone, and she’s been “going through a bad time,” what happened that night for her to call your man when he was likely in bed with his wife? It sounds like she was trying to force his hand.

Now your husband is acting like a guilty husband who’s been caught, and is hiding behind silence and the privacy of the spare bedroom. He may be trying to decide what to do next, or just hoping you’ll get so uncomfortable you’ll move out and leave him the house. Time for a consultation with a domestic lawyer, and not the regular one you two share.

Obviously, this is torture for you, and it isn’t getting any better by remaining silent. You need to face the fact you’re already into a new reality with this husband. Get professional help in deciding what steps to take to best protect yourself — in every way. You’ll never be sorry you did, but you could be very sorry if you don’t and every move is dictated by turbulent emotion and haste.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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