Compassion first step in putting nightmares to rest

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/05/2022 (1586 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is having bad nightmares, which are now becoming my nightmares! Last week he called out a woman’s name again in his sleep, followed by the words, “Don’t! Please don’t!”

I know who’s he’s dreaming about — his crazy ex-wife. I rescued him from an abusive marriage to a woman who tortured him and dragged him through hell. I was his work friend then, but secretly in love with him. I got him into counselling and helped him break away from that woman.

We’re in a healthy relationship now that is solid and good. But still, she comes for him in his sleep, as a recurring nightmare. I’m afraid to wake him for fear I’ll hear things I can’t take! I suspect he’ll always have a secret love for her — at least for the way she was before she lost it and got so violent.

Should I be waking him up from these dreams?

— Scared to do that, Transcona

Dear Scared: As long as you don’t wake him, his ex is controlling both of you in a strange way. So, wake your husband up with soothing words like, “It’s OK, it’s OK… You’re having a nightmare. It’s just a dream. She’s not here.”

Turn on the light quickly, and offer him a glass of water. Put the glass right into his hand and say “Drink, please” to completely wake him from the dream. Then give him a little hug and say something sympathetic like, “That was a bad one, wasn’t it?”

Ask if he needs to talk about it, or if he’d prefer to talk about something else. Be prepared to tell him some newsy little thing from the last few days — doesn’t matter how inconsequential it is. Then, ask him if he’d prefer you two sleep with the light on for a while.

It sounds like your man needs to see his previous counsellor again for a bit, where he can speak more freely than he does with you. Dreams can be a signal that more emotional stuff is ready to come out and be processed. That is not your role in his life, nor should it be. Just hang in there!

These are just bumps at the end of the long recovery road after a disastrous relationship. They don’t mean your relationship is in danger. Your husband just needs for you to stay strong now, and not let it rattle you too much.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have read about couples with money/trust problems in your column. We have one. My girlfriend is stealing money from my wallet again.

I was so mad this week, I stole back $20 out of her wallet when she only had $28. She went out with girlfriends for drinks — and didn’t have enough to pay. She phoned me from the bar, hitting the freaking roof! I said, “Borrow some from your friends, sweetheart.”

Now the shoe is on the other foot. She’s barely talking to me and it’s freezing cold between us. Help!

— Cold War, Osborne Village

Dear Cold War: A serious money discussion, and apologies, might make for a new understanding. But if she’s not on board for that solution, then you two have lost the all-important feeling of mutual trust. In that case, your living-together situation is not going to last forever. Serious money issues can make or break a relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a new “possible” vegetarian, trying to impress my new lover. Recently I’ve been falling off the wagon when he’s not around, and sneak-eating meat dishes.

I don’t want to break up with him! It’s hard to find somebody who’s compatible with me in so many other ways. Still, in my heart, I already know I’m not going to make it as a vegetarian. Should I confess or keep trying, with little cheat days here and there? I really care about him.

— Closet Meat-eater, Wolseley

Dear Closet Meat-eater: It’s rare that a vegetarian will say to a new partner: “OK, I’ll start eating meat, so you’ll feel comfortable.” They might say they’ll be able to tolerate you eating meat when you’re on your own, but might not be able to stand looking at it on your plate. On the other hand, some vegetarians don’t care what other people eat around them.

It’s certainly worth coming clean, and confessing you’ve been having a tough time eating absolutely no meat. You could offer to give it another try, and see if you can gradually switch over. If that’s not working, and it matters a lot to your vegetarian partner, maybe you’ll just end up as friends.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography