Continuing to stifle secret serves no one

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This article was published 17/06/2022 (1566 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been waking up with the sunrise and staring at the ceiling. That’s not because it’s beautiful outside, but because I’m thinking of leaving the man who’s sleeping beside me. He doesn’t know.

It’s not that there’s a new and better man; it’s that I’ve changed radically inside, and he’s no longer a match. No amount of counselling could fix this. I want a woman in my life now, and I even know the one — if she’ll have me. She’s left her husband, and is free now.

I’ve always felt stirrings in my soul for a female lover, but tried to ignore them because I wanted children so desperately. Well, I had them with a good man. They’re wonderful kids, and he’s a great father, but now they’re grown and the last one is gone. I’m feeling lonely now and not for a man. I can’t ignore it any longer. How do I tell my husband I need to leave him?

— Needing a Woman’s Love, Winnipeg

Dear Needing: It’s best that you break up with your husband before you start seeing this woman — unless that ship has already sailed. You need to talk to your husband soon. He’s probably feeling the coolness radiating from you, and not saying anything. He may be lonely, too, especially now the kids are gone.

You already know you don’t want to save the marriage, but you should still see a relationship counsellor — alone first — to talk about everything that could arise from your confession.

In the end, you may be freeing two people with your confession, but it may be that your husband is totally shocked. In any event, nothing is served by keeping on with this secret now that it has come to the surface in your heart and mind, and will not be going away.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is coming for a holiday at the end of June, and I’m scared. She says she’s coming for two weeks to see the grandchildren. She’s mean when she drinks, and she can’t stop for even a week.

My husband says he’ll send her home if she so much as touches a drink in our house, or comes home from the bar smelling of liquor. The last time she was here, it was too much for both of us and I broke down and cried several times. That bends my husband out of shape. What should I do?

— Scared of My Alcoholic Mother, River Heights

Dear Scared: Call Mom back, and tell her she can’t come if she’s going to drink, as your husband has forbidden drinking in the house. Tell her he will put out any visitor who breaks that rule. Also tell her the maximum length anyone can stay at your house is four days — a new family rule. You don’t have to say who made that rule, as she will suspect it’s your husband. That’d probably be just fine with him.

Your mother may choose to come for the four days, or not. Respond to either decision casually, and relax about it. She will be back to see those grandchildren soon enough, but perhaps not this summer, as she may want to punish you with her absence. Poor you!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a “boyfriend” up at the lake I see every year. He lives one street away from me at his family’s cabin. He’s been phoning me the last few weeks in the city and talking it up about seeing me “in person.” He’s been hinting that he’s taller and his looks have changed. He told me last night he’s no longer a virgin. I think that’s a strange word for a boy to use!

Anyway, I am one — a virgin— and he doesn’t turn me on enough to change that. He’s just someone to see in the summer, and I don’t want to be part of his new experiment. Should I tell him that, or wait until I see how he looks? He says he’s changed in looks. We’re both 16 this summer.

— Feeling Kind of Nervous, St. Boniface

Dear Feeling Nervous: Yes, it sounds like he’s looking for some kind of sexual action with you this summer. He may have grown some — and may look pretty cute — but since you don’t like the sound of his hints on the phone, don’t wait to see how he looks and then be talked into some kind of experiment. Tell him straight up on the phone you aren’t interested in what he’s hinting at.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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