Harmonious reprise possible with sober ex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/06/2022 (1564 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My doorbell rang at 10 p.m. when my new guy was out at the lake recently. It was my ex. He wasn’t drunk, so I let him in. In fact, he was totally sober and clear-eyed and “looking better than a body has a right to” — as the song goes.

He said he’d brought me a gift for my birthday, which was two nights before. He held up his old guitar — his first — which he’d taught me to play on, with him. It had a big blue ribbon tied on it with a romantic card.

I guess I should have said, “Thanks and bye-bye,” and shown him the door. But, he was stone-cold sober and his eyes were full of emotion. He said he hadn’t had a drink in more than a year.

He asked me if I would play one song with him and he started into “our” song. I followed him in the chorus — I just couldn’t help it. I knew I was drowning as we sang to each other — and that I was still in love with the man.

Am I a fool if I take him back? I said I’d need a few weeks to decide.

— Wanting Him, but Afraid He’ll Drink Again, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting: Your old love didn’t come running over a week or even a month after he’d stopped drinking. A year is a long test while he was worrying he’d lost you forever.

If he’s serious about not drinking again — and if you don’t need to drink in front of him — you might want to give this love a second chance. Obviously, feelings still run deep in both of you.

Whatever you do, your new boyfriend, who was up at the lake tending the wrong fire, needs to know right away he’s not the one for you, even if you don’t go back to your old boyfriend again.

He needs to regain his freedom so he can meet somebody who really does love him. It’s not fair to keep him as a spare.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I had the best sex life — nothing was off limits. Now, with my COVID weight gain, I don’t think my husband finds me sexy, and he’s just faking that he does to get some action.

I’ve tried everything to get my weight down, but nothing seems to be working. In fact, the stress of losing weight is making me gain more weight.

I’m sure my husband — who is naturally slim — is secretly frustrated, but he says that’s not the case and that I’m imagining things.

We used to make love with romantic music and the flickering of candlelight. Now I blow the candles out, leaving the room completely dark.

My husband says he loves me no matter what, and points to the two times I was pregnant with our children and how he loved my body so much, then. I don’t know what to believe. Help!

— COVID Casualty, St. Boniface

Dear COVID Casualty: What does disbelieving your husband get you? You are doubting his love for you and his taste in a woman — and that woman is you. Do you want to chase him away?

Don’t take any more of the fun and the spontaneity out of your sex life. Leave the lights off, if necessary, but don’t shut your sex life down.

By the way, you should know there are at least a dozen websites listing the number of calories burned with different types of sexual activity. The average is four calories per minute burned for men and three calories per minute for women.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was raised in the day of “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” I raised my children the same way, just as many of my friends raised their families.

Now my 28-year-old son, who has always been full of drama — is saying that my husband and I were abusive — and he’s been distancing himself, using any stupid excuse.

What’s the real issue? He and his wife are expecting our first grandchild and he doesn’t want us to be near the child.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that we have lost our son and grandchild-to-be. What’s his problem? My other adult children allow that “back in the day” a spanking was the way parents disciplined their children. But they do tell us we were “old-fashioned and religious“ and they “can’t support” what we did.

I just don’t know what to do. Any help would be much appreciated.

— Old-Fashioned Discipline, southern Manitoba

Dear Old Fashioned: Spanking, strapping and “weapons” like the wooden spoon fell out of favour with most people in the 1980s. Your 28-year-old son was born around 1994.

You say his problem is that he’s the “dramatic” one? Maybe he was more sensitive than your other children and it hurt him more, both physically and psychologically.

To make things worse, you’re not sorry for what you did to him and his siblings, so nothing has changed there. He doesn’t trust you, and won’t be leaving his child alone with you.

If you want to change this situation, you will have to change your mind about corporal punishment of children. You can’t continue with this stance. You’ll need to apologize and promise you will never strike another child anywhere, with your hand or anything else. Can’t you bend for the greater good of having a relationship with your son and grandchild-to-be?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.