Verbalize your love to make up with daughter

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/06/2022 (1522 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My daughters are like day and night. The older one has a job in the city this summer and the younger has to come to the lake. She wants to stay in the city with her older sister, but I don’t trust her for five minutes.

My oldest daughter is sensible, a good student, watches her money and has a nice boyfriend. She and the boyfriend are using birth control. She even sat me down to tell me that. (As if I hadn’t already snooped in her purse.)

Our youngest is 15 — a wild thing, with several wannabe city boyfriends at the moment. She is very pretty and fit, and a very social personality. She’s certain to scare up a hot guy, given an hour on the beach, but least I can watch her there! If she stays home with her sister in the city as she’s pushing for, anything could happen.

I’m a teacher and have summers off. She’s coming with me to the lake, if I have to drag her! Last night she threw a tantrum and pulled out an old card on me: “You love my sister more than me.” That’s actually true right now.

Well, I love them both equally, but the younger one is so busy being a pain in the butt and bucking everything I tell her to do, that I don’t “like” her the same right now. I know that will change some day.

When she accused me, I knew she had stumbled on a kind of truth — and my hesitation in denying it told her so. She ran away and cried herself to sleep in her locked bedroom and wouldn’t come out. Now, she’s barely talking to me and I feel lousy.

This summer could be very bad. How do I take back what I said that hurt my youngest so much? I’m not a mushy person.

— Sorry Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Sorry: An adult can say, “I love you, but I don’t like you right now” to their mate, who may understand the difference. Still, it’s a tough thing to get back in your mouth if the adult doesn’t “get it.” Teenagers have more self-doubt, so you can’t risk that kind of hair-splitting on love/like.

You didn’t actually say it out loud, but you hesitated, and the silence expressed what you didn’t really mean. Here’s how you get back from this: Start identifying traits and behaviours you love about this younger daughter and remark on them.

Say it often enough that your youngest daughter understands you love her, and finally gets bored of hearing it from you. Yes, it’s being mushy, but too bad, Mama! Your daughter needs some mush from you this summer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just came home from working in another province. I’m sensing something is going on that no one wants to tell me about. I asked my best buddy to tell me what was up, and he said nothing. I asked my brother, and he just shrugged, which means there is something, but he isn’t going to take chance saying it.

People are keeping some kind of bad secret. I don’t know how to get it out of them. Should I get my brother drunk to get it out? What else can I do?

— Angry and Determined, North End

Dear Determined: Your brother will know you well enough to be aware you’re trying to “prime the pump” with alcohol to get him talking.

So, tell your brother this when he’s sober: “I know you and can read you like a book. In fact, I know from the way you shrugged your shoulders that you are aware of the secret people are keeping from me.”

Let him know he can tell you, and that you will admire him for having the guts to do so. The alternative is that he can hide it from you, but your friendship as brothers will suffer. Stress to him that you need to know, and that you can handle it — whatever the news is.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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