Put kindness before ego with reformed ex-girlfriend

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This article was published 06/07/2022 (1499 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into my old live-in girlfriend at the grocery store, looking brand new. I looked like a sad case, still in my dirty old clothes. I’d just spray-washed my garage, and had run out to the store.

She said sarcastically, “How nice to see you all dressed up!” The day I finally broke up with her, I’d said the same thing. I was wearing a $500 suit and she was in a smelly old shirt and sweatpants, struggling through her daily hangover.

That day I told her I couldn’t take anymore of her being such a drunk, and kicked her out. I called her sister to come and get her.

She didn’t sober up for a long time after that. But I had heard via the grapevine, she’s back on her feet now and doing well with a good job. God knows she had enough education on Daddy’s money.

It bothered me that she seemed to think I was the loser now. I feel like calling her from my office phone on some excuse, to let her know I’m still doing just fine.

— Successful Ex, Broadway

Dear Successful: You think she doesn’t know where you work? This is Winnipeg, so she probably does, but she couldn’t resist the sarcasm and getting you back. You got your licks in when you kicked her out of your life.

So, why not let her enjoy seeing you with a dirty face and shabby clothes for a few minutes? Ask yourself why it’s so important for you to prove your continued success to a girlfriend who had substance abuse issues.

When you broke up with her, you were seeing her at her worst, and she will no doubt remember those days with embarrassment. A kinder reaction would have been to smile, and say to yourself, “I’ll bet it felt good for her to see me looking like I’m the one on the skids! I was pretty hard on her when we broke up.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife wanted more attention from me, so I said in exasperation, “Why don’t you just draw me up a schedule?” I got home from work that night and “Summer Schedule 2022” was taped to my home office door. She’d even scheduled things like baths and workouts — plus the expected date nights. Sex and romance was scheduled as “S&R.”

“Now we’re talking!” I said when I saw that!

She thought formal-ish timetable would make me mad, but I actually love the idea. On our sex nights, I pencilled in different styles I’d like for different nights. She thought I was joking, but I’m not. I’m an accountant and thrive on rules and guidelines. Give me the rules for anything, and watch me get to work and succeed.

Unfortunately, she thinks I’m somehow playing with her head, and now she wants to scrap the whole thing.

How can I convince her this is good for both of us? I’d know exactly how to please her from now on, but she’s not looking happy. How can I fix this?

— Loving Her a Lot, East Kildonan

Dear Loving Her: Rules can be liberating for people like you, but they can spoil the fun for others. That’s especially true with sex. You could discuss what “might” happen in different romantic sessions with your wife, but not write them into a schedule.

Sex is partly physical and partly emotional. It doesn’t work on a schedule very well, so think more in terms of “possible adventures” with your sweetie. Also, beware of the office-at-home trap. If you’re already logging eight hours back in the workplace, try not to work too many extra hours in the home office.

It’s time to honour your relationship if you want it to last — your wife wouldn’t have made up that schedule if she was happy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve just met a nice fellow online who lives in my neighbourhood. We’re supposed to get together soon for coffee. However, on his Facebook page I see that his values are not the same as mine. For example, he supports the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent ruling on abortion, and I don’t.

Prior to this discovery, I wanted to meet him. Now I’m not quite sure. He seems like a really nice fellow and we have a lot in common, but I just don’t want to waste his time or mine if he turns out to be an idiot. I’m not sure what to do.

— Hesitant, St. James

Dear Hesitant: When you discover a serious problem before you’ve even had a first date, why go out of curiosity? It’s not fair and it’s actually a waste of time on both sides.

First dates are difficult enough without a positive feeling going in. You don’t have to agree on every little thing, but important differences are deal-breakers in the end, so you’d be wasting your time.

Too many have said they “knew it wouldn’t work,” but they wanted to go and get a look at the person. Not fair!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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