Focus on your desires, not friends’ expectations

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/08/2022 (1485 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I think maybe there’s something wrong with me. At least, my friends think so. I have no interest in having a sexual relationship with anyone, and have never wanted to. I’m not interested in men or women that way. I’m happy just having a few friends, but nothing sexual. I’m 31 years old with a fascinating job, and am quite content.

My friends hint to me there must be something wrong.

OK, I think I’m asexual — at least from what I found on the internet. Why can’t people just leave me alone about this?

— Not Interested in Sex, St. Boniface

Dear Not Interested: In time, friends will give up and leave you alone, but explaining the situation would be a better idea. Some people are indeed asexual — simply not interested in sex with any gender. They don’t crave it and don’t want it — other people simply don’t turn them on. They may be friendly, loving people, but just not interested in the act. In cases where they’ve had sex, they don’t care if it never happens again.

An asexual person may still enjoy romantic love relationships with people of the same or different genders. Their hearts are into it — but not their bodies. A good match for you might be another asexual person, who wants a deep and beautiful relationship, but not sex. Of you may simply prefer to live independently. If you want people to get off your case, you’ll need to do some patient explaining with them now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out I’m pregnant with my boyfriend’s baby and he says he loves me “to the limit.” I also love him deeply — and now we’re supposed to be getting married after the baby comes. Then the trouble came.

Last week I found out from a male friend of his, who thought I already knew, that my guy had another baby with a younger woman a few years ago.

Now my head is really messed up. I’m angry he didn’t tell me this important fact, and afraid of what might happen with me and him when our baby comes! I love him, and was feeling so happy to have his baby.

I confronted him about the other girl, and he said it was a one-night stand with a girl he hardly knew, so he did what was decent, and he pays monthly support and sees the child once a month. He said he was afraid to tell me, in case I broke up with him. Now, I don’t know what to do. Help please!

— So Mixed Up, Windsor Park

Dear Mixed Up: The relationship with his other “baby mommy” was a one-night stand. You and he, on the other hand, have been living together and have plans to get married.

Why not ask him about getting married right away? You’d feel much more secure and happy during this pregnancy if you did marry sooner. Asking him for this will also smoke him out if he doesn’t really intend to marry to you. You need to find out what’s what with a guy who keeps secrets like this.

If you both do decide to marry, you could opt to have a private ceremony now, and a bigger wedding when your baby arrives.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m getting a promotion at work that comes with a big raise. My live-in has suddenly started acting differently towards me. He’s saying a lot of sarcastic, rude and jealous things. The guy’s a teacher, but I’ll be making more than he does, for the first time.

It seems like my moving up the ladder has caused him to feel inferior and frankly, I don’t care! I’m seriously angry he’s sulking about my success. I’ve lost all interest in him physically as of late. I worry that if he doesn’t change, we are in trouble.

What do we do? We need to start the healing process, but he doesn’t see where he’s in the wrong. Is it even worth it? We don’t have kids yet.

— Plenty Annoyed, Downtown

Dear Plenty Annoyed: If you have a career plan which entails more promotions and raises, this relationship has a poor chance of working out. You also mentioned babies, so they’re part of your life plan, but will you want this man as the father? He might be happy if you had children and your earning potential went down for a time, but would you be happy if he enjoyed that?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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