Use disappointment as your own stepping stone

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/08/2022 (1173 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a guy in my late 20s, who started dating a sweet man this summer, and I began imagining a big future because we were such a fun pair. We could have had a great life! We’re both finishing university soon and will have solid careers, so could have afforded to have a hobby farm and travel the world — shared dreams.

The problem is, he told me last week he found out his best friend is moving back to Winnipeg. The way he said “friend” upset me somehow. I poured myself a big glass of wine, and asked him, “What kind of ’friend’ do you mean?”

He was quiet and then looked up and said, “The kind you love for life.”

I almost choked. He said, “I’m so sorry to hurt you,” but then he stuck the knife in and twisted! He said, “He broke up with me because I couldn’t commit — but now I think I can.”

I asked him what I meant to him? He said, “A lot. But this is different.”

I feel like I was used the last four months. In the end, his relationship with me got him ready to be committed with someone else, for life! It’s just not fair. I feel sick and need to find a way to digest this before classes start.

— Taken for a Big Ride, Fort Richmond

Dear Taken: If you can accept this summer love was a “close, but no cigar” relationship, it’ll be easier. How much less would you suffer if you knew you’d meet an even better match less than a year down the road?

Hopefully, you will remain at this new level of romantic maturity, and not let yourself sink into a funk over this disappointment. There’s more than one love for people in this world. So study hard, but keep your eyes open for attractive friends, be more sociable this school year, and join some groups that really interest you. That way you’ll stir up a new social life, and who knows what will happen?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Since I started dating a new girl, my ex-girlfriend is spreading gossip about me — stuff that’s untrue. I was always friendly with her brother and parents, and I need to get this stopped. Should I talk to somebody in her family, or will it just make things worse?

I did nothing bad to her, except break up with her because I didn’t trust her. She cheated on me with a so-called friend of mine. She’s trying to say I cheated first. Not true! I just recently started seeing a new girl who used to be a friend of hers.

That’s how it goes in our small town, not enough people, very little choice and everybody knows everybody.

— In a Hurry to Stop her Lies, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Hurry: Take the temperature of the family’s angst by having a short talk with your ex’s brother. If his sis has set her family against you, it’d be a big mistake to appeal to the parents. They’ll just boot you off the front step. Also bear in mind you’re now dating a girlfriend of your ex — which must feel like some revenge, from your side.

What you can do is “spread the truth.” Tell your close friends what’s actually happening, and leave it at that. Word will get around in a small community. Your true story may cancel out your ex’s nasty talk about you — or maybe not. It’s still worth a try.

In the meantime, try to enjoy your new girlfriend more. When your former sweetheart sees she hasn’t been able to destroy the growth of your new relationship, she’ll have to give up on you, and look for someone new. Once she finds a new guy, you’ll be old news, and everyone can relax.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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