Paternal posturing likely a symptom of grief, loss

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This article was published 04/09/2022 (1493 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My handsome father finally packed up and went home yesterday. He’s a very recent widower, and is just starting to recover. He came for a week, and stayed for a month!

My husband just said to me today, “Never again in this lifetime!”

Here’s the deal: I was my father’s little princess growing up — we still are very close. He thinks no man can do anything right for me and the kids, but him. While he was here, he built us a two-story playhouse with a slide, so the grandkids just adore him. He also taught them how to hammer nails, and they love doing it. My husband is hopeless at carpentry.

Daddy also fixed the mystery noise in my car, looked at my husband and said, “Nothing to it, if you know what you’re doing!” My husband is hopeless with cars, and has his mechanic on speed dial. My father found fault with all of my husband’s flubbed handyman projects, and the ones that were never done at all.

On top of that, Daddy loves to barbecue, so he went to the store and bought lots of food and cooked for us, most nights. When my husband protested, he said, “Just making myself useful!” (“Unlike you,” was the implication).

It was all I could do to stop my man from telling my father to go home. Finally, Daddy had to go back to work, and he left. How do I go about telling my father he will never be welcome to do this again?

— Scaredy-Cat Daughter, Winnipeg outskirts

Dear Scaredy-Cat: Don’t worry about this for long — no need. A handsome guy with your dad’s skills is probably not going to make it to the end of the year without a serious girlfriend. You got him on his first summer alone. Next year, he’ll be too busy to visit.

Just file it in your mind as a one-off situation, and beat him to the punch next summer. Announce you and the kids are coming to his place for a week when your husband is busy, and tell him the kids really want to build something else with Grandpa to play on when they come over to his place.

Meanwhile, you and the kids might start visiting Grandpa some Saturdays here and there, and get an active relationship going with him while you’re both recovering from the loss of your mother. When you think the time is right, help him connect with groups that offer sports, arts and social activities in and around Winnipeg (some are especially for widows and widowers). He could also look in to volunteering options to connect with people with similar interests.

P.S.: It’s time to stop calling your father “Daddy,” as that’s what a young child calls their father. It may be making your husband cringe.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing in response to recent letters from men whose wives seem to love their dogs more than them. Of course they do, people! Husbands are stone stupid when they try to compete with the family dog for the affection of their wife. Instead, they should just get a second dog!

Dogs cannot say hurtful things, and are affectionate by nature. They don’t demand anything more than food, affection and walks outside. Unlike husbands, dogs are not looking for a lot of emotional support or romantic times with their owners. They just want to play-wrestle and fetch a ball, and maybe go anywhere in the car with the windows open.

My wife has to compete with our puppies to get a kiss, when I get home.

— Love My Dogs! Garden City

Dear Love My Dogs: You’re partially right here. Some of the daily need for love and affection can be met right at the door, when a person comes home to a pet who’s obviously delighted to see them. The problem arises when that pet becomes a total replacement for the spouse, and is with them every moment — even sitting on the couch all night in their lap and sleeping on the bed, snuggled up all night.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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