Geniality should vanquish tense neighbourly ‘spell’

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This article was published 22/10/2022 (1394 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a new neighbour. I always celebrate Halloween in the last two weeks of October, and already have some witches and goblins up in the trees in the yard, with lights.

I overheard a young mother come by with her two young kids when I was raking behind my fence. When one of them commented on the witches in a scared voice, the mom said. “Come away from there. The woman who lives there is a real witch!”

I blew my stack! I walked out and set everybody straight, real quick. The woman backed down, and said she was “Just kidding about the… decorations” but one kid piped up and said, “Nah! Mom thinks you’re a real witch.”

I turned and walked back into the house, and slammed the door. The kid’s as bad as his mother. How do I deal with neighbours who say evil things about me?

— Not a Witch, Fort Rouge

Dear Not a Witch: Turning and stalking into your house didn’t really help. Talking a little longer in a friendly way could have broken the bad “spell.”

You could have introduced yourself by name, asked what their names are, and then said you always enjoy decorating for Halloween and other celebrations. Then you might have invited them to watch your yard for each celebration coming up throughout the year. That conversation could have softened feelings between you and the mother and her kids.

Next time they come by, consider saying, “Sorry about the misunderstanding last time…” and try again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has become fascinated with insects and spent the summer studying up on everything she discovered in her garden, and in the forest where she walks. Bugs bore me to death! She came home with them in creepy little boxes and jars all summer long.

She’s a grade-school teacher, but now I’m pretty sure she’s going to go back to university next year to become an entomologist. How fatally boring will that be? I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I can’t get excited over what I see coming into our lives.

— Going Buggy, Fort Richmond

Dear Going Buggy: Don’t discourage your wife’s growing insect passion just because it bores you. Encourage her to go after it, even though you don’t “get it.” The thing is, if you blindly support her, she’ll continue to feel passionate about you, in ways you do get.

Be aware that your wife will meet many aspiring entomologists in coming years in classes, which will make it less necessary to share bug stories with you. So, let her do that now. Don’t make the mistake of ridiculing her and standing in her way at this point.

By the way, natural ecosystem desperately needs protecting, and entomologists are some of the heroes working on that. There are lots of great jobs in agriculture, forestry and managing insect populations that your wife might seek out one day. Plus, people who love their work generally feel happy and successful — a great spillover for relationships.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is 32 and recently divorced. Anytime I try to talk about our relationship, he refuses to be serious. Then he gets frustrated when I try to hold him to an answer.

Last weekend, I flat-out asked him if he intended to marry me one day, and he made some stupid joke. So I asked again, and he offered another joke. I kept asking until he just got mad, and said, “I don’t know. I just got divorced, for God’s sake!”

I feel like he has some unresolved issues from his last relationship, and now I’m paying for it. How can I get him to be more serious? I want to be married and start a family soon, and I can barely talk to this man about those things.

— Can’t Wait Forever at Almost 30, Brandon

Dear Can’t Wait: The “love” word is missing from your letter. Also, the “yes” word is missing from his reply, when you asked him about marriage with you.

All he can do is joke, and deflect. Why? Because he’s not feeling it. He got wounded in the last war and is still injured and limping along. You two don’t match up.

He can wait another 10 years before he marries and starts having babies. You can’t do that.

It’s time to say goodbye to him, and look for a healthy, happy guy around 30 who’s hoping to get married to a great woman and have kids. That’d be a lot more fun, and stand a much greater chance of success for both of you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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