Don’t remain imprisoned by fear of sharing past

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/10/2022 (1427 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a woman who went to jail for a short time when I was young. I learned my lesson and have been clean ever since. I’ve had no more problems with substance abuse, and the crime it got me into.

I don’t tell friends here about my past, because they don’t need to know. That was a long time ago in another province, and I’ve been sober and employed for many years.

I never got married though — I guess I’ve been married to my secret. I can’t seem to let any man close enough to me that I’d have to tell them. I never wanted to see the disillusioned look on a guy’s face when I told him about my younger life.

It happened so long ago for me that it is buried, except when I think I might feel forced to tell someone. Then, it’s all I can think about, and it messes everything up.

I’m not the least bit attracted to the kind of guys who might have done jail time — and they’re the only kind of guys who might understand.

I’ve only talked to a therapist and that was years ago. That’s not the same thing at all as talking to a man you want to admire you. Please help.

— Lonely For Life? Winnipeg

Dear Lonely: If you have a quiet, non-gossipy friend you trust to keep your secret, consider taking a chance and saying, “I got into serious trouble when I was young…” and then say what happened and how you got clean and got past it.

It’s likely they’ll have much less of a negative reaction that you expected. Then tell your friend how your secret has kept you from having a serious relationship.

While your friend may not have any experienced-based advice for you, you’ll feel a little release of pressure. When you learn it’s not as big a deal to a friend as you thought it’d be, that may be the beginning of loosening up emotionally. That old secret has been imprisoning you up to now.

Hopefully you’ll loosen up enough to be able to see a therapist again — this time one who specializes in helping people with issues similar to yours. One day you could be free of that old shame and fear of being discovered, and that could lead to forming a close and loving adult relationship, with no secrets.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know somebody who won a good amount of money — not a fortune. They gave a little bit to everybody in the family and then went off travelling. Then they came back to their old job, after spending it all. “Every cent!” they said.

People in the family clucked about how they spent it all and in such a hurry. It seemed “so wasteful.” What do you think?

— Sitting on the Fence, Manitoba

Dear Fence Sitter: Some people come from families where a windfall of any size is potential trouble. Their relatives are not going to be happy, however it’s split up. In this case, there may not have been very much left for the winner after giving out small amounts they chose to.

The most admirable feature of this spending decision was the speed with which everything was accomplished. Family got a little share and the winner took off on the dream trip, but was able to come back to their job and live comfortably. The family clucking will die down fairly quickly, and it’ll become history — rather than a lifetime feud.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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