Fickle end to fling a sure sign it wasn’t right thing

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This article was published 04/11/2022 (1417 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I came down from the clouds recently, with a terrible bang! I thought I’d met the most wonderful guy online in the early summer. So, I did something crazy — for me, at least. I rented a little month-to-month studio apartment and got a restaurant job in his city, so we could be closer and get to know each other really well.

Secretly, I was looking at him and thinking of (just possibly) marriage. His fiancée had broken off her engagement with him last spring, so I knew he was at that serious stage in his life.

When I moved close to him, he played along with my fantasies and welcomed me into his life, his family and his city. He painted the picture of a life we would have together in his world. I was in heaven.

But, after six weeks — wham! He phoned and told me he needed some time off from us “to think.”

“To think about what?” I yelled into the phone. I was already crying. I grabbed a cab over to his apartment and saw him coming out to stop me from coming in. He looked white as a ghost. He said, “I was afraid you’d do this. I saw you from the window. Go away! My fiancée came back to be with me. She’s inside!”

I just stared at him. I backed away from him with my hand over my mouth, to stop myself from throwing up.

I’m already back in Winnipeg at my sister’s house trying to get my aching head and heart together. Please help.

— Taken for a Ride, West Kildonan

Dear Taken: You met a guy online who’d been rejected by a woman he really wanted to marry. He had nothing going on, and you made him feel better, so he “re-directed” his strong emotions and romanticism towards you.

But, the moment she showed up wanting him back (no doubt she heard about you from someone!), he shifted all that emotion back towards her. Do you really want a guy who can do this? Fickle people like this don’t do well at old-fashioned marriage.

When the fun and romance gets worn down by kids, work and money concerns, they’re sometimes able to fall for another person surprisingly quickly, and shift their “love and passion” over.

You need to take some time to heal and talk this out fully with a relationship counsellor. Stick close to family and friends and block any calls that might come from him if things don’t go perfectly with her. You already know he prefers her, if he can get her back, so you’ll never be No. 1 in his life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband died and my mother was lonely in her little place, so I invited her to come live in our big house with the teenage kids and me. In the space of one month, she went from being a depressed old lady who shuffled along into a gale force wind in high heels.

She bought herself a whole new wardrobe with the help of my 16-year-old daughter and went on lunch and dinner dates with girlfriends she’d been ignoring. She even came home in a cab drunk one night! That was an education for the grandkids. I wasn’t home at first, but when I got there, she was playing poker for money with my boys.

I don’t know if I’m bragging or complaining. Is it good for kids to see their grandparents acting younger than their parent?

— Shocked Daughter, Windsor Park

Dear Shocked: Let Grandma kick up those heels! There’s one serious-enough parent in the house ruling the roost. That’d be you. And, think about this: You’d hate it if she were trying to overrule you. She’s just gone back to being the fun adult person she was when you were young — and just not noticing what she was doing then!

The kids may only have three or four really full years to spend with grandma before they fly off into their own adult lives. Let them all enjoy her to the hilt. It’s cool that grandma’s elevated the mood of the house, which was probably a bit sombre after losing your husband.

Obviously, it’s done wonders for your mom’s mood to be in the heart of a family home again — and it may add 10 or so great years to her life, to have her depression lifted.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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