Reach out to cope with emotionally fraught time of year

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This article was published 01/12/2022 (1405 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Christmas is coming, and so is my annual heartache. My husband almost broke up with me right after Christmas a few years ago. He had discovered an expensive ring, given to me by my lover. Ironically, that beautiful man and I had broken up before Christmas, but he still gave me the ring. My lover was forced to leave my life, so he wouldn’t lose his home and children.

I foolishly hung on to that precious stone — a symbol of our lost love and passion. My husband found it hidden in a tiny side pocket in my purse, when he was rifling through my personal stuff on some flimsy excuse.

Then all hell broke loose. What a terrible fight! I thought it was the end. But my husband and I have four children, so instead of breaking up, we dragged ourselves off to counselling.

The “deal” we worked out? My husband agreed to spend more time with me and the kids, and stop being a workaholic. I agreed to be faithful, and not ever speak to my former lover again, even as a friend.

I must admit my husband and I developed a better relationship through counselling, and are being very good parents. But the marriage itself is lukewarm, and Christmas season is still hard or me, as it brings back memories of my former love.

Tonight, I’m putting up the decorations all by myself, and I’m reminded of how lonely my life really is. My marriage is for my half-grown kids only. My husband seems fairly happy, but is still distant. Please help me.

— Alone by the Christmas Tree, Winnipeg

Dear Alone: Festive times of the year underscore the loneliness anyone might be feeling. So, make a list of good friends to call and surround yourself with kids, family and close friends.

Get your children and their friends involved in Christmas baking, holiday music and putting up lights. Consider this: Maybe you could get a kit, and make a backyard skating rink with lights and music. Life can still be fun, even if the marriage is not romantic and perfect. Since money is not an issue, also consider gifting yourself with some solo sessions with a relationship counsellor, to try to rekindle warmth and fun in your life as a whole. Fun is an underrated tonic.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We’ve been together almost five years, my wife and I. My addiction has been a big problem, along with homelessness. I was arrested a while back, and went to jail. She was left to find a place to stay on her own.

She says she wants to be with me, to fix our relationship. I’m doing all I can to work on myself and address my problems. She seems to think I’m in some cushy retreat, just living it up with “three hots and a cot.”

She suffers from PTSD and I’m trying to be very understanding. She says I don’t understand her struggles as a vulnerable woman on the streets.

She says, “You just don’t get it!” I try to, but I also feel like I can’t understand, because I’m not a woman. How can I better understand her struggles and support her, in my absence?

— Husband Trying to be a Husband, Manitoba

Dear Husband Who’s Trying: You can’t physically protect your wife when you’re in jail . That’s probably why your wife sounds so resentful of your stable situation “inside.”

But you can be emotionally supportive. The best way to do that is to listen closely, and reflect back to her what you think she’s trying to express. Then she can add to her points, and you can grasp them more clearly.

Meanwhile, keep your ears open and ask a lot of questions of people in the corrections system and beyond. When you hear of any extra supports for women in your wife’s situation, you can quickly pass them on to her. Hopefully, her street friends will help protect her as well, as some street folk are intensely loyal to their close group.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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