Busted double play makes for very bad hair day

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/11/2022 (1421 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a hair fetish. But, I recently got “too lucky” if there is such a thing. I started seeing two women with the perfectly coloured, very long hair.

I thought everything was going great — luckiest guy in the world. Then they met each other through a common sporting interest, and immediately started talking, because frankly, they look like twins.

The talk turned to boyfriends, and I was outed. Why? I have a fetish that involves me brushing it and playing with a specific colour and type of long hair, in a certain way.

I quickly heard from the one with a temper, who told me to “Go date a wig!” which was unnecessarily rude. Everybody has a type of beauty they’re attracted to, right?

The second woman won’t even take my calls. What is the big deal? I was just dating around and having fun — nothing creepy about my fetish, either. Now what?

— Two Strikes, Two Out! west Winnipeg

Dear Strike 2: These two ladies thought they had a special sexual thing with you that involved their very long, beautiful hair. But you got greedy and secretly had two look-alikes going, which meant it was more about indulging your hair fetish than about a romantic relationship with either woman.

Want your fetish to work for you? Establish a romantic relationship with a new long-haired woman you really care about, who also enjoys your fetish, and fall in love her heart, hair and soul.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m secretly planning to leave my husband after the holidays. I feel sick when I think I’m going to have to fake it through another Christmas with him and the whole family — at our big home for dinner.

Don’t feel sorry for my husband for one minute. He’s a dishonest man who has cheated on me regularly over the years, particularly when I was pregnant with the kids. Then it happened again, when I was quite ill earlier this year. That took the cake!

I am well again, and have managed to get myself a job in my old profession. I’m finally able to “kick this man to the curb,” and I mean that, with all the anger it entails.

By the way, he’s not as hot as he used to be. He was formerly a big, tall good-looking football type, with money, but he drinks too much. Now he’s bored with his work, grumpy, overweight and not so attractive. So good luck to him now.

How do I handle this final Christmas dinner? My husband doesn’t know I’m leaving, and of course he expects me to invite everyone over for the big annual family party, with all the grandkids.

What they won’t know is it will be the last. Part of this is my fault, because I hid my pain and humiliation from the family for so long, but it has built to the breaking point, so now I can give myself a real life.

Please help me be as kind as possible to the grown-up “kids” as I leave the family home. Should I give them a big family Christmas to remember, knowing I will be leaving their father right after?

— Secretly Packing to Leave, south Winnipeg

Dear Packing: No matter what you think of your husband at this point, your kids and grandkids still love him, especially since you hid his treatment of you, including his infidelities.

Here’s a plan that will feel less phoney than putting on a big Christmas show of family solidarity: Tell your grown kids you’re just not up to hosting Christmas dinner this year.

“I’m a little tired after being ill this year and starting the new job,” is your excuse. It’s likely your children will welcome having the Christmas dinner at one of their places. Then they don’t have to pack up their kids at the end of the busy, emotional day, leaving most of their new toys behind on the floor.

Talk to your grown kids ASAP about this plan, and assure everybody you’ll still bring some of your special dishes.

Then — and here’s the hardest part of the plan — keep a stiff upper lip through January, so the break up happens at the beginning of February. That way it’s not so close on the heels of the new year and isn’t an ugly holiday memory for years to come.

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography