Take it slow and easy with newly reclusive friend

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This article was published 05/12/2022 (1351 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A friend of mine has basically not left his house since COVID hit. At first, he was just being cautious, but now I think he’s got an actual problem. His partner left him because she says he’d become a total recluse.

When I try to get him to come out to events, he says he can’t, because everybody will be weird about him finally coming out. I promised him I’d talk to everyone beforehand and make sure they don’t draw attention to him, but he just yelled, “Hell, no!”

It sounds like no matter what reason there is for him to go out, he will find a reason he can’t. I don’t know how to help him.

— Seriously Worried Friend, River Heights

Dear Worried: Asking this friend to come out to a group gathering is like asking him to blindly dive into the deep end. Start by bringing one of his good friends over to his place, arriving with food he really likes. Barge in cheerfully, and sit down, all three of you.

If that goes well, pick him up the next time and meet another two of his friends in a quiet restaurant he used to like, and tell him he’s welcome to wear a mask. Then he’s in a comfortable group of four, and he’s finally out in the social world again.

After that, you could try to get him out to a movie he’d enjoy on a quiet night with yet another old friend. Again, he can wear a mask if he wants.

Do some investigating about his vaccinations. If he’s too scared to go out, he may not have his shots up to date, and that might be part of his anxiety.

If none of this works, he may need pushing to talk to his doctor who will refer him to a psychologist or psychiatrist — to talk by phone if necessary. He may have developed agoraphobia, a type of anxiety disorder where a person is afraid to leave home for fear of feeling overly anxious and possibly resulting in a full-blown panic attack.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I have just enough rooms for each of us to have a work-from-home space in our old two-storey house In Wolseley. (We have two bedrooms upstairs, as well as a dining room and finished basement.) We flipped a coin and I got the small spare bedroom for my office; she got the spacious, redone basement area.

We figured it wouldn’t be for more than a few months. Well, it’s nearly three years now! I’m sick of feeling cramped and want to trade her for my space. I think it’s only fair, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to give up the benefits of having the larger space, which includes gym equipment.

I don’t think it’s fair we ride this agreement out until the end of time, just because I lost a coin toss in 2020. What can I do to make my case, aside from moving her equipment to my office in a “hostile takeover?” Believe me, I’m mad enough to do that.

— Occupant of Loser Office, Wolseley

Dear Occupant: Start lobbying for a fairer deal by suggesting you’ll “have to take over the dining room” if she won’t trade after three long years. Point out that you two can just eat off a little kitchen table.

If that suggestion tanks — and it likely will — then try to set a date when you and she will exchange spaces, and you will move her gym equipment up to the spare room.

Good luck with that idea as well! The bottom line is you lost the coin toss, she’s settled now and there was no time limit set up at the start.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 20 and need to move out, but I just can’t. It is completely impossible for a guy to afford housing right now on his own.

I hate how my parents still have authority over my life just because I’m a victim of economic circumstances. I would have been out on my own last week if I could have afforded it, but I would barely be able to make rent and food, let alone own a car and cellphone.

It feels like the world keeps getting worse, with no end in sight. What’s the point of even trying if working a full-time job doesn’t even cover the basic necessities?

— Still Living at Home, St. Boniface

Dear Still at Home: Twenty-somethings need to realize they’re not stuck at home if they’re willing to share accommodations with other people their age and split the rent and bills. Plus, it can be a lot more fun than living alone.

Sitting at home quietly raging at your parents and society keeps you a perpetual teenager. So, get one or two jobs, and organize a shared living situation so you can have a fun life you can actually afford. You need to split monthly house or apartment rent, bills, food and transportation.

You’ll meet the friends of your roommates and all their girlfriends as well, and there will be dinners and parties. Possibly you’ll find your “special one” in that situation. That’s much more likely when you’re not bunking with Mom and Dad.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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