High school ex’s sexual preference not down to you

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This article was published 30/07/2024 (744 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I spotted a woman at the beach who looked vaguely familiar — beautiful long red hair, big tanned shoulders, the strong legs of an athlete. I was immediately excited and pretty sure I knew who it was — and it turned out it was my girlfriend from high school!

As an experiment, I softly wolf-whistled at her, like I used to do in high school under her bedroom window to get her to come out at night. She heard and whirled around — same big green eyes looking right at me. I ran over, and we had a long hug and started talking.

But then her “wife” showed up and asked to be introduced. Whoever thought my high school love would have a woman for a partner? I couldn’t help asking, when my ex’s lady left abruptly to get some ice cream, “How did that happen for you?”

She said, “Wasn’t a problem. She’s the most exciting person I’ve ever met!” We talked a bit, and I walked away 10 minutes later, shaking my head.

I can’t process this. If she wanted a woman, why did I never notice anything lacking between us? She was definitely hot for me back in Grade 12, and the sex was terrific. What does this bisexual thing mean with a woman like her?

— Shaking My Head, South St. Vital

Dear Shaking My Head: Some people can enjoy love and romance with either sex, simple as that. It certainly looks like your high school girlfriend has found a happy same-sex relationship. Your teenage honey may not have known how strong the pull toward another woman would be when she was dating you. But later, she must have experimented and met this particular woman — who seems to suit her.

Just don’t make the mistake of thinking you didn’t make the sex between you two good enough, so she decided to check out women instead of men. That’s just a wrongheaded male-ego reaction! It was probably about what she felt inside and about something different she longed for, and this woman had it.

If her present relationship breaks up, who knows what will happen next for her. She has the luxury of being bisexual and choosing a great person, male or female.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in love with a wonderful woman — but I don’t even recognize her anymore, neither physically nor personality-wise. She is addicted to gambling, has cut off her beautiful hair and gained 30-plus pounds, and drinks way too much. She’s often cranky and hard to get along with, due to her terrible hangovers.

The only good thing in this situation is that I rarely see her now in our house. Tonight I realized I don’t care if she comes home until I’m already asleep, because I don’t even love her anymore! Even if she promises to quit drinking and gambling, it’s already way too late. I’m sick and tired of begging her to be the woman I thought I married.

We don’t have any children. Why? Because she told me after our wedding she didn’t want “the complications.” She was singing a whole different tune before we got married, and I was dreaming of being a dad. So much for my stupid dreams!

I’d recently been thinking of getting help for myself, to learn how to cope being the husband of an alcoholic gambler. But why? I don’t even want her. I just want out, right now.

— Needing Out Fast, North Kildonan

Dear Needing Out Fast: A person who’s desperate to get out of a marriage quickly isn’t likely to get a good deal from the person they’re leaving in the lurch — unless they’re prepared. Before you walk away, quietly see an experienced divorce lawyer. Ask for the best way to break it to your wife when you’re going after the divorce.

Also be prepared for your wife to promise to change — anything to keep what’s comfortable for her, like a nice roof over her head and enough money to keep up her drinking and gambling lifestyle.

Then research the best person to sell your house and look for a new place to live. For your personal happiness, quietly look around to see where you’d feel happy living. You’ll need a place that makes you feel comfortable as a single man, and is not close enough to your ex that she’ll be running into you on every excuse to help with things, like you did before.

The hope here? Perhaps she’s not happy with the marriage either, and will not fight to stay together after you state what you want and need. Cross your fingers!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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