Mate really must trust your gut on public proposal

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We are a lesbian couple, and my sweetheart just told me she wants to propose and give me the engagement ring on Valentine’s Day. She told me ahead of time, because I hate surprises and have been known to get nauseous in public, when I’m shocked.

Unfortunately, now that I know the big day is coming, I’m becoming more and more nervous. My outgoing love insists she wants to give me the ring in front of “a handful of friends and family.” My family knows my gut’s history, and they’re all pleading, “Oh no! Not necessary.” They know from embarrassing past experiences I will not get through this without being sick. Please help! What do you suggest?

— Shy Flower, East Kildonan

Dear Shy Flower: You really need to have an honest talk with your mate, and stress to her your serious aversion to public attention. Then, why not pick out the engagement ring together and put it on privately, at home? You could have an experienced photographer take pictures of the two of you showing off the engagement ring, beautifully.

Then, you the two of you can announce your engagement both via social media and an old-school card to send out to very special people in your lives. After that, you can plan your wedding together — without the memory of a messy public proposal haunting you!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I woke up to the doorbell ringing late Christmas morning. A red-headed young woman was standing there. She asked if she could speak to my husband, saying his full three names. I asked her who she was.

With tears in her eyes, she said, “I just turned 18, and I have reason to believe your husband is my birth father.” My brain started to explode!

That meant my husband of 25 years, must have had an affair around the seventh year of our marriage. If so, this grown child could be the result of it. I stared at her and tried to take it in. She would have been conceived when my husband and I were trying unsuccessfully to have a baby together. She certainly had his bright-red curly hair, only much more of it, but it must be a mistake, I thought.

With the young woman fighting back her tears, I instinctively reached out and led her inside. Then I really started to take everything in, and I was ready to kill him.

How could this happen? My husband and I had a wonderful life together. The only problem we had was we were never able to conceive. At one time, he used to wonder if it was his fault and berate himself. Then one day, he just stopped talking about that.

I asked the young woman to sit down. Then my husband wandered into the kitchen and said in his normal, cheerful voice, “And who do we have here?” I burst out, “This girl says she’s your daughter!” Then I ran into the bedroom yelling at him to “make things right.”

He followed behind me 20 long minutes later, and said slowly, “Honestly — it started with a night of drinking and it was a mistake, and the relationship only lasted a few weeks.” I’m so hurt he had an affair when we were so desperately trying to get pregnant.

It’s also not surprising to me now why he finally seemed to stop wondering if the inability to conceive had something to do with him. Then I realized the woman obviously told my husband she was pregnant by him, and he did nothing to help her. What a piece of work he turned out to be!

I packed a bag and told him I needed time to think. Now, I’m staying in my best friend’s basement suite. I don’t even answer my cellphone. I haven’t talked with my husband’s daughter again either — I don’t want to see their faces.

How could he have had an affair when our marriage seemed so strong? Was it just to reassure himself his sperm were in fine working order and it was my fault we couldn’t have a child?

What else has my husband been hiding from me? My head is spinning. I can’t process this mess.

— Christmas Catastrophe, West End

Dear Catastrophe: You’re not going to get anywhere until you start communicating with your husband. Cruise by your house and when you know he’s home, hear him out, and then ask if he’ll go to marriage counselling with you, if you really want to process this effectively and possibly move on together.

You’re absolutely right to be angry about this, but don’t take it out on this young woman if you encounter her again. She didn’t ask to be involved in this, and she’s quite old enough to make her own decisions now. So, be kind in talking to her. She’s totally innocent, and none of this was her fault.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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