Cheater should follow his heart out of house

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has moved down to our basement. This followed a horrible fight where I confronted him with the fact I know he has been seeing a certain woman from his past. She’s the woman who came just before me and I stole him away from her.

He says he now realizes it’s her he loves, and not me. Now his secret is out, he insists he’s going to keep seeing this woman at her place but will still live in our basement to “do right by the children.” How can this teach the children to do right?

My husband also doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. He says he never really got over this woman I took him away from seven years ago.

He tells me — as if he’s being overly generous — that he will support me and our kids for as long as necessary. That really means until I go back to work nursing and can support the kids, mostly by myself.

He’s announced (like he’s a king) that he’ll be sleeping in the newly updated basement from now on. Why didn’t I see this coming when he started renovating downstairs?

With the new bedroom (with king-size bed), bar and bathroom, I foolishly thought he was building a romantic spot for us to rekindle our relationship.

What can I do now? I’m desperate. We have two children, but he doesn’t want to go to couple’s counselling or end his affair.

Should I kick him out of our house? I know he’ll go right over to live with this old girlfriend, and claim he has no other choice.

— So Messed Up, West End

Dear Messed Up: Once you have some financial stability and independence, and your husband has moved out of the house, you could consider renting the basement out to a trustworthy friend or relative to help with costs.

It seems there’s really no other option, especially with your husband’s insulting demeanour. He’s deluded if he believes his suggested living arrangement is in any way viable. If he’s in love with this other woman, he should be leaving your home.

But first, you really need to see a good divorce lawyer and line up a new nursing job.

Also, see your physician and a personal counsellor immediately to help you with this breakup. Your kids will need you to be strong, both physically and mentally, to help them get through the changes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a 37-year-old woman and have a great career that I love, but I’m afraid I may have waited too long before settling down to start a family.

I woke up to that realization in front of an Easter candy display this year, watching a woman and her kids buying goodies. I had no kids to buy chocolate bunnies for, no adult love to come home to me with flowers, not even any pets.

I have nothing except scrolling online and watching TV. So I bought myself a giant chocolate egg and ate it in the car with tears running down my face.

I don’t even know any single guys my age that turn me on. I just know my relatives and neighbours. My friends are all married now and I’m truly alone, except for people at work. My last relationship ended three years ago and left me feeling scared to try again. It was bad.

I have to change this. I don’t do anything that’s fun anymore. I can’t remember the last time I was kissed romantically.

— All Alone, Osborne Village

Dear All Alone: With nice weather on the way, now is the time to get out and play with grown adults.

I would recommend you do some research online into local activities-based singles groups and consider joining. You could also look into joining general groups for social, recreational or creative pursuits that interest you, or even explore opportunities to volunteer that could facilitate connections with passionate, like-minded people.

Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

If you’re so inclined, giving your time to arts- or music-focused events or festivals can also make for great opportunities to socialize and make friends. So get busy, and don’t give up.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography