Rejuvenated ex-wife right to move on with life

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My love is alive for my ex-wife again. I’ve just seen her and she is a changed woman after kicking her dependency on drugs and booze. Now in her mid-40s, she looks and behaves like the beautiful woman I once married.

After years of owning a high-pressure business and working six or seven days a week, she sold that venture for big money and is no longer a short-tempered workaholic.

She’s sober, relaxed, funny and looking healthy and beautiful again. I saw her out with my daughter the other week, and my ex even laughed at my jokes. It was like meeting her for the first time.

I’ve phoned her several times since, and although she’s gracious and chats, she doesn’t warm to me. Still, I told her about the cabin I just bought, and invited her out. She thanked me for the offer, but said she was thinking of buying one of her own.

What? I wasn’t just offering a cabin visit so she could dip her toes in the lake.

If we’ve both returned to who we were before her business almost ate her alive, why not take a chance with me again?

— Disappointed Ex, South Osborne

Dear Ex: Your ex-wife wants to embrace her new life, not go back to her old one — and you were a large part of that experience.

She doesn’t want to be reminded of her “bad old days” together and doesn’t want to take another chance. So, graciously accept what she says and live with a casual friendship.

She’s enjoying her lifestyle and new sober friends, so wish her well and start looking for someone a bit like her — and start fresh with that person. It’s not so hard, when you know the type of person you want and start frequenting places or scenes you know they would like — although you might want to skip the bars.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was excited for the chance to meet my new neighbours, until I saw who jumped out of the rental van. It was one of my co-workers, who always asks me questions about the beautiful street I live on by the river. Surprise.

Why didn’t she tell me she was moving here? Maybe she sensed I would have tried to dissuade her.

I realize I don’t own this street, but can’t a person get a little privacy from work when they’re at home? I wouldn’t knowingly move onto the same street as a person I work with, especially just a couple houses away.

What if I secretly take a stress leave for a few days, as I tend to do when I’ve had enough of that madhouse? Will she be over to check on me to see if I need soup — and then figure out I’m just faking it to get out of work?

My biggest worry is: how do I maintain a semblance of privacy at home, now she can see my place? I’m single and I do have visitors who sleep over sometimes, and it’s not her business.

— Lost My Privacy, Sage Creek

Dear Lost Privacy: Don’t start being cold to this woman because she moved onto your street and end up spoiling your work relationship with her. Then you could really be in danger of being outed on your “stress leaves.”

Take some responsibility. This woman may have fallen in love with the house and lovely area because you talk about it all the time. So, just be gracious and welcome her to the neighbourhood because she won’t be leaving soon.

Then, try to model what you want. Be kind and casual with her because that’s the kind of neighbour who would suit you best.

As for your visitors, everybody is “just a friend.” If your neighbour mentions she saw a car in the morning, say they just slept over because they’d had a few drinks, and you couldn’t let them drive home in that condition.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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