In seeking bio-family, consider adoptive mom’s feelings

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Every year, my sister and I always phone each other on Mother’s Day and have our annual private talk. We wonder what our birth mother must have looked like — probably like us, we think. We were adopted out together quite young and to a good family.

I don’t remember our birth mother at all, but my older sister does somewhat, and I wonder if she still thinks about us. Maybe we have traits of hers — like the way we both snort when we laugh. That’s what we like to think — our little joke.

Any time we’ve asked our adoptive mother what she knows about our birth mother, she always says dismissively, “Just about nothing.” She couldn’t have children herself, so we were her everything, and we understand her cranky attitude. But now we’re older we really want to know about our background.

Do you think it would upset our adoptive mother if we got some DNA testing done and went after more information about our birth families?

— Insulting Adoptive Mom? Fort Garry

Dear Insulting: You’ll never lose your adoptive mother’s love, but she might be worried she’ll lose some of yours. That’s what you need to reassure her about.

Then make a thorough search quietly and do all the tests you want, as you deserve to know your background. Just don’t give your adoptive mom the play-by-play, as that could hurt her feelings unnecessarily or stress her out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my 40s and divorced, and I have come out now as a gay woman.

I got married to a nice guy who was more of a friend and we lived in a small town. My hidden desire while closeted was to be with a wonderful woman. I just didn’t know any.

Now that we’re divorced and I’m living in the city, I’m finally dating my female dream partner. She’s funny, intelligent and very sensual. She’s separated, and almost divorced, with teenage girls who are living at home with her.

They may end up being a problem, she warns me. I have one child myself, who’s too sweet to be a problem, and I don’t want her to be bullied in any way by older girls.

All I really want is to love my new woman in the way she deserves to be loved, and for everybody to get along. My woman dismisses those worries like they’re nothing. What should I do?

— Alone in My Worries, Fort Rouge

Dear Alone: In the present living circumstance, your child would basically have two mothers and two older sisters, possibly as her “bosses.” Now she only has you to contend with, so don’t move in too fast.

Go slowly, introducing your daughter to her possible new stepsisters and see how it goes. If it’s going to be miserable for your daughter, then the arrangement probably won’t work for anybody, including you in the end — and you would be better to maintain two separate households.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I started dating this hot-looking fisherman last fall, it was for a laugh at first. I strung him along about loving to fish myself to possibly get nearer to him. I laughed about it to my girlfriends, who knew I hate slimy fish and cold lake water. Now the laugh’s on me, as he and I are still dating and I’ve fallen for him big-time.

Last weekend he was babbling on about taking me out on the lake this spring, and as soon as possible. I finally took a deep breath and said, “I have to confess something. The truth is I hate fishing and I lied because I wanted you to want me.”

To my shock and amazement, he said, “I knew that all along. I thought I’d see how long you’d hang in there telling me lies to get at my body.” Then he laughed, and I laughed, too. He finally said, “I don’t need you in my fishing boat, but I need you in my life.”

Now I’ve agreed to marry a guy who will be spending late spring to early fall fishing every weekend. It isn’t what I want in life, but he really is. I’m a teacher and we’ll be spending the summer months at his cabin.

What can I possibly do during fishing months that would complement his serious hobby, besides entertaining company constantly?

— Fishing Widow-to-Be? Whyte Ridge

Dear Fishing Widow-to-Be: Consider getting into lake-area hobby groups for photography, birding, sailing, drawing, painting — anything that interests you so you’re not alone and bored on the many good fishing days.

Invite friends up to the cottage, but also look in the nearest town for new groups of people to get to know better who enjoy socializing with you and your guy. Soon, you’ll be fine seeing your beloved fisherman take off with his angling pals.

On bad fishing days, you two lovers can hang out together, go to different towns to shop, cook dinners and make love in your cabin. The summer months could fly by and be fun and romantic for both of you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography