Crusty French bread no match for bendy pretzel

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend used to be a gymnast, and I was never even a good dancer, just a spazz on two legs. We love each other’s minds and hearts, but now that I know her better, she wants to do all these crazy sex positions because she’s a natural contortionist. You should see how she can make a pretzel out of herself, and then she still wants it to end up as great sex. I can close my eyes at work and still see her in the strangest of positions.

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Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/12/2015 (3951 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend used to be a gymnast, and I was never even a good dancer, just a spazz on two legs. We love each other’s minds and hearts, but now that I know her better, she wants to do all these crazy sex positions because she’s a natural contortionist. You should see how she can make a pretzel out of herself, and then she still wants it to end up as great sex. I can close my eyes at work and still see her in the strangest of positions.

And, here’s the worst thing: a lot of the time the final result isn’t sexy. I mean I can always find the way to do the thing, but by then I’m kind of cringing inside and then it all goes flat, if you get my meaning.

What can you suggest for me to say about this to her? She is a very physical girl and I don’t want to discourage that part of her.

— Dependable But Not Bendable, Windsor Park

 

Dear Dependable But Not Bendable: If she’s at all sensitive, she should know your manly bits are already speaking to her, saying, “This contortion stuff just isn’t doing it for me.” Maybe you could work on things so some of the foreplay includes contortions. But when you get into the final stage, she unwinds the pretzel enough to do things that are really hot for you.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a sad excuse for what used to be a fine woman. She stays home, drinks, collects her fat monthly cheques from my dad and gambles with her rich friends. She used to be a well-educated, beautiful-looking lady with a wealthy husband, a big house and three kids, although my parents both drank too much, starting at 5 p.m. every day.

I am the youngest. My mother long ago went through the patience of her first two kids, who moved out of the province and rarely contact her now. I am “the only one who loves her,” as she tells me when she’s drunk. Honest to God, she needs to be hauled off to rehab, but as she points out, she’s not hurting anybody, and (boo-hoo) “What have I got to come home to?”

She says she’s comfortable in her house alone, but now I’m uncomfortable and turning into the parent. I go by her house every second day to make sure she hasn’t fallen over and died. She lives in the family home all alone — I sure don’t want to live there with her. I have my own place nearby and a wonderful girlfriend who worries about me and the burden known as M-O-M. I’m afraid she won’t marry me because of my mom, although I know she loves me. Please help!

— Mom’s Caretaker, River Heights

 

Dear Caretaker: You need help for yourself first, and Al-Anon, the group for friends and family of alcoholics, is the place to go to help you understand why your mom is not your responsibility so you can start living your own life again. As for your mom’s safety, you could try to talk her into getting a service such as Victoria Lifeline where she could tap a button if she became ill or fell, and they would get the message and call you and other important numbers to get her medical aid. Then you wouldn’t be so stressed and feeling like you should be on constant mom patrol.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
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