Codependent relationship with daughter ruining your life

Opinion

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This article was published 17/12/2015 (3567 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a 62-year-old mother who has a wonderful 30-year-old daughter who is (in both her doctor’s opinion and mine) desperately overweight by about 70 pounds. Two years ago she had a child. She went into the pregnancy overweight, but due to a pregnancy-related illness, she did not gain much weight. But at the end of her one-year maternity leave, she started putting on weight at a disturbing rate, and one year later, that has not slowed down. She’s been told she has the beginnings of a fatty liver, she’s on blood-pressure medication and I fear it’s only a matter of time before the high blood-sugar levels she had during her pregnancy reoccur.

I’m so sick with worry I often can’t sleep through the night. My daughter is not the most approachable of people on this delicate and potentially hurtful topic. Her husband is a nice guy and they seem happy together, but he depends on her to run the household. Frankly, he doesn’t have many child-care or homemaking skills. Who will care for her if she becomes sick? Who will care for their amazing child?

Throughout her adult life, I have tried to be supportive on the issue of fitness and health and have paid for Weight Watchers, gyms or whatever she might need. It’s tricky to find and respect the boundary of what is helpful and what is intrusive. I have not been 100 per cent successful. Any guidance you can give me on this would be so, so gratefully appreciated.

— Worried Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Worried Mom: You sound afraid your daughter will die and you will end up looking after the children and their domestically-challenged dad. You have tried a lot to get her to lose weight, so now it’s time to stop doing more of what doesn’t work.

There’s no way other mothers out there would be staying up awake all night worrying about their married daughter’s weight. Let’s look at the “glass half full” way of thinking for a change. Your daughter has a husband who is employed, she has a job and she doesn’t have diabetes, although she’s 70 pounds overweight. She has the beginnings of fatty liver, as do so many people who are your age. Have you had yours checked lately?

How about you start living your own life now instead of attaching yourself negatively to your married daughter’s and taking on her problems? Imagine just backing off and minding your own business to the point where your daughter wonders if you’re off her back for good. That would allow her to be friendlier to you. Get rid of the reason for her to rebel by being a fun grandma instead of a worried-sick mother. Surely there are better things you could be doing. Losing sleep and stressing like you are will shorten your own life.

You need to learn about codependency and then get in touch with a support group like the Co-Dependents Recovery Society to help you detach from your daughter in a healthy way and let her live her life without your “help” and interference. Sorry to be so tough on you, but you needed to hear this.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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