His failure to repeatedly declare love hurting her teeth

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This article was published 15/12/2015 (3947 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my husband so deeply and so much, it hurts my back teeth — I think I grind them at night worrying about our relationship. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t love me back the same. I tell him, “I love you so much,” every morning and every night after sex. If he doesn’t respond, I get so anxious I have to ask him if he still loves me.

Today he said my style of “love” talk is making it hard for him to breathe. What does he mean my that? I thought when you got married, you were supposed to express your love as much as possible.

— Hurting Bride, Dauphin

Dear Hurting Bride: What you’re doing is demanding he “re-pledge” himself to you. Why? Because you don’t believe him and trust him day-to-day, even though he just married you. How insulting. You can afford to relax and let go a little now! He committed his love, his fidelity and his whole life to you.

Don’t make him feel smothered after that. Exhale. Take a break, enjoy your life with him without demanding the poor man jump through hoops because of your insecurity. Being married should mean you feel secure enough to see your friends, go off to work happily, do your activities with or without your husband, do fun things, plan trips and have kids.

Has he given you reason to think he’ll sneak out on you if you don’t check his love meter twice a day? It’s one thing to say “love ya” as an alternate form of “goodbye” when you’re going out the door or signing off on the phone, but you don’t wait around to hear it back and make frowny faces or start pouting if you don’t. That is a real turn off. There’s an old country song with this clever line in it: “How can I miss you, if you won’t go away?”

Meditate on that until the meaning gets through. Then give him time to breathe, so he doesn’t have to leave.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had to write in when I read about the Mennonite woman who felt she had to forgive her dishonest boyfriend because of her religion’s teachings. She wonders if she should take him back despite her instincts that tell her he may try to deceive her again (by taking drugs). I, too, am Mennonite and believe that she can forgive him without taking him back. Forgiveness is just letting him go without resentment and bitterness in your heart. This may take some time. In her letter, this woman displayed a lot of wisdom and intelligence given to her by God for a reason. This is not a matter of being selfish; she is looking for a life partner so she is doing the right thing for herself and any children she may have. This man is obviously not it.

— Practical J. in Steinbach

Dear Practical J.: You’re right about the time it takes to forgive. Most people forget to mention that. Forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant, certainly not the day after the time you decide to declare peace. It takes time for the pain to dissipate and feel that peace, but after a few days or weeks, one’s mind starts processing it. That is a blessing on its own. All she needs to do is say, “I forgive you, but I need to make a fresh start with someone new.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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