Give yourself six months to get in dating game

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/02/2016 (3884 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a guy in my mid-30s, embarrassed by the fact I have no dating experience. I’m educated, have a good career, go to the gym, eat right and have been called a cute guy on occasion; however, I’ve never dated due to my introversion, and the fact I put my schooling first. You could say I have put dating on hold until now. I’m constantly being told that I should “put myself out there.” If that means being more sociable, such as joining classes or groups, that tends to drain me of energy. It’s a difficult task. Also, if it means to participate in online dating, no one responds except narcissistic people or those who lead you on a wild goose chase.

I know I lack confidence in this area. I’d like to learn about dating and how to be confident. Most online articles on dating that I’ve researched are misleading and don’t provide many useful answers. It doesn’t help when I’m constantly told I should be dating at my age. Can you provide some insight into dating, like how to ask a girl out and what is an appropriate place? I’m totally lost about women and dating. — The Uneducated Dater, Winnipeg

Dear Uneducated Dater: Good news! You can put off the dating education for another six months. The first thing you need to do is address your social anxiety. It’s not ordinary shyness and introversion that led you to reject the dating world until your mid-30s. First, talk with yourself. Say out loud that tending to your education did not require 100 per cent of your schedule. (Repeating new ideas out loud helps makes them more real.)

So why did it really happen? For this, you need the professional help of a psychologist or psychiatrist. And stop being hard on yourself. It’s not your fault you’re having trouble, but you do need to look for professional help instead of dabbling online. You first move is to make an appointment with your physician to set up a meeting with a psychologist or psychiatrist to assess you and help you. Some medications for social anxiety have opened up peoples’ worlds in a way they never imagined.

When you say that a group of people will drain you of your energy, it could mean you have some Asperger’s tendencies. It is common to hear an “Aspie” say that. They just want to get away and be on their own, instead of continuing to interact.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to Crazy Curious who’s afraid to go to sleep because of recurring bad dreams. I was sexually assaulted by strangers a couple of times in my late teens and had nightmares for many years afterward. I’d wake up screaming in the middle of the night because I was dreaming I was being attacked. Then I read it was possible to control your dreams, so before I went to sleep, I imagined if I was being attacked, a knife or gun would appear in my hands and I would be able to fend off my attackers.

Sure enough, the gun or knife was in my hands when I was attacked in my dreams, and I scared off the bad guys. On the rare occasions when that didn’t happen, as soon as I woke up, I would imagine a different ending, one in which I had a weapon to defend myself. This somehow seems to have allowed me to build in an automatic response in my brain so that if I dreamed I was attacked, I would automatically dream I could defend myself. — Waverly Warrior, Winnipeg

Dear Waverly Warrior: Whatever works! This is great for you and has restored your confidence in sleeping. Mission accomplished.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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