Husband has to learn to deal with his alcoholic mother

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This article was published 21/02/2016 (3879 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a very lucky man. I love him and protect him from his mother, a raging alcoholic, by screening her many phone calls to our house. She hates me, but that’s all right. If she sounds sober, I’ll let her talk to him. If she’s drunk and slurring her words, I won’t. I don’t hate her as I’m a nurse and understand alcoholism, but I won’t let her plague him with drunken calls.

He went over there on Valentine’s Day to bring her a card and some flowers and she was drunk and said a lot of bad things. I don’t know why he went and I can’t handle this all by myself anymore. What do you think?

— Upset Wife, St. Boniface

Dear Upset Wife: He went around you — the gatekeeper — because the boy who became the man will always love his mom. He clearly loves his mother, evidenced by the flowers on Valentine’s Day. 

It’s time to start sharing mother management. It would be a good idea for both of you to attend Al-Anon, an organization dedicated to helping the loved ones of alcoholics. You go for a few sessions, at least, to soak up some tips for your role, and then he can just go on his own. Your husband needs to learn how to handle his own mother, and you will learn some methods other than screening every call that comes in. That is not a healthy role for you to play — the warden — rather than the loving wife.

Sometimes there’s a time of day you can have a decent phone call with a drinker, often in the mid-morning when that person is awake, alert and not had time to drink too much. You could stop screening then. And perhaps your husband could learn to say, “Mom, I care about you, but I can’t talk to you when you’ve been drinking because I get too upset. Bye now.” The people at Al-Anon will know lots of different responses for similar situations. There is much you can learn from other people who have been dealing with the same problem, and it’s good to know you’re not alone. Anyone who would like to share a successful technique in this column is most welcome to write in to the addresses below.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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