Need for privacy causes a strain

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This article was published 23/09/2016 (3646 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are newlyweds and she is so delighted with our new living-together situation she thinks she should be allowed through every door, at any time, and there should be no locking.

I actually need to be alone in the bathroom or I can’t relax. I am always constipated now because of her. Today, she barged in again and I kicked her out and locked the door. She tries to guilt me by saying she allows me to go anywhere she is at any time, and that includes the bathroom. I don’t want that privilege.

She is making me feel claustrophobic in our apartment and we’ve only been married a few months. I can’t lock the bedroom door, although sometimes I’d like to for autoerotic pleasures. I’m embarrassed I even have to say this. Maybe I’m not meant to be married.

— Stay Out, Please! Downtown

Dear Stay Out, Please: As a married man, you still have every right to lock the bathroom door and unlock it when you’re good and ready.

She doesn’t own every air pocket in the entire apartment. Ditto for locking the bedroom door when she’s out and you are entertaining yourself and she might come home in the middle of the action, and startle you both.

Explain this to her, live by it and stay married. Privacy boundaries are a common problem newlyweds have to settle in the first months and should not be a deal-breaker.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was 38 before I had sex for the first time because I was such an out-of-shape loser and computer addict all my life. I got rid of the extra 100 pounds, had an operation to get rid of the extra skin, got into decent shape, got some nice clothes, a new haircut and paid for professional help to get a new attitude. Then I had my first romance (I met her online) with a lady who was tickled to be teaching me the ropes.

I am a pretty good lover now, if I don’t say so myself. I have had casual relationships with approximately a dozen women since. The Internet can deliver sex partners, but I find it’s not so good at delivering love. I never thought I’d be tired of being a sleep-around guy, but I am. Now I want love and I don’t know how to find it. Can you help? What do you look for? Where do I go?

— Looking for the Big L. Now, Winnipeg

Dear Looking for the Big L.: When it comes to choosing a mate, you don’t want to be opposites, nor will you want to be two peas in a pod.

You need a strong, balanced love with someone who has many of your same strengths, but in some areas where she is weak, you are strong, and vice versa.

Warning: since food appeared to have been your issue at one time, don’t pick someone who is a sympathetic overeater, pick someone who is naturally into living a healthy life with good food and exercise. Just as a former drinker should not match up with a new drinking buddy, the last thing you need is a new overeating lover.

If your new love has some weakness where you can help out and have that strength (like she’s not good with money or mechanical stuff, and you are) then you have a nice complement. Other than this, you’ll need the same basic values and a few similar interests so you naturally enjoy doing activities together and have fun.

How to find her involves providing examples of what you’re like as a person when you write online profiles, instead of a long list of positive adjectives. Or, consider forgoing online sites and meeting real people face to face from the outset.

You could try Adventures for Successful Singles, which has several thousand members and offers about 50 sports, arts and social activities per month for people who are in their late 30s to fit 60s. The next new member group is starting Oct. 4 (204-775-3484).

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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