Let spouse pay back money to build his self-esteem

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This article was published 22/02/2018 (3145 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband claimed to be going to work, but he was lying.

He never let me look at the money situation, but when he asked me to start helping with rent and expenses, I said, to make it simple, I’d take over all of the rent. That was fine until I found, quite accidentally, utility bills he hid in a cupboard that were racked up so high they were threatening cut-offs.

Finally, I demanded he show me everything we owed and he started crying, which isn’t like him, and finally, he admitted he had lost his job several months ago and was hanging out at places where he could gamble privately and try to make some money. Well, you know how that goes.

He was on the verge of emotional collapse, so instead of getting mad, I got busy trying to save his sanity (and possibly his life). Now he’s no longer gambling and he’s working again, with a really good job. I’m writing because I want to urge people who lose their jobs or get caught up in downsizing, a vice or addiction to tell your mate as soon as possible.

I will never know why he waited so long to tell me. I was not, and never will be, a scary partner. I love every member of my family and would go to the wall for them. I told him he didn’t need to pay me a cent back, but he insists. What do you think? Would it be bad or good? — Should I Accept?, Winnipeg

Dear Should I: Most people aren’t used to that kind of loyalty and generosity. Many strong people think they will be loved less if they stumble and kicked out if they fall. It’s wonderful that you rescued your husband. I also think it’s important to your continuing relationship balance to let him make up the money to you as he builds up his finances.

He needs to rebuild his own self-esteem that way, so thank him and let him repay a portion — half or more of what you paid to support him and the household while he got back on his feet and found a good job.

He wants to feel equal to you again and that’s a good attitude to support. You could quietly put the money in a separate account for a special purchase for the house or save it to go on a holiday together.

Why not? It will make you both feel good in the end and that’s the goal.

If you are still nervous about this ever happening again, you might want to save some for a nest egg in case it is ever needed again.

It might not, but you never know and you might one day find your job no longer exists — as so many people do these days — and it will help you feel confident and secure.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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