Husband has already checked out of marriage

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This article was published 26/02/2018 (2784 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been cheating, just a little. My wife is a big lady with a big heart, but no sex drive. She cooks, cleans, works part-time in a store and has lots of friends and interests. I used to love her, though we never had much of a sex life.

“Don’t get frisky on me! I just changed those sheets” is her big line when it looks like I might want sex. Always the housekeeper, she seems more like my mom than my wife.

She only wanted sex to make the three kids, when you get right down to it. Good thing she was slow to get pregnant with each. Now, there’s nothing, and the kids are all long gone. Actually, I still love her in that homemaking/close friend way, but I love another woman more because she wants me in that way a man wants to be loved and accepted.

The other woman worships me in bed.

Last night I gave in to her invitations, yet again, and went home with her from the casino and we had a wonderful time. But, I’m getting careless. This time I fell asleep and didn’t get home until morning. Luckily, my wife is a deep sleeper and didn’t notice I wasn’t in the house until 6:30 a.m. (She doesn’t sleep in the same room with me.)

I can’t get away with this much longer.

Should I tell the truth or wait until I get caught? Now I’ve had this sexual adoration thing, I’m hooked. What should I say to my wife? — Getting Careless, Brandon

Dear Careless: You’ve already left the marriage emotionally. Your wife is like the jolly housekeeper and you are running around on her. Show her some respect and leave her, rather than play around behind her back until you slip up so badly she notices. When she does, you’re going to see another side of her!

You have a lot to think about and it’d be smart to look down the road with your lawyer and financial advisers as to where you want to end up, other than being out on the driveway with nowhere to go. It may sound calculating to tell you to see a lawyer right now — but a man without a plan is foolish.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got nothing for Valentine’s Day and I’m still hurting.

I bought my husband a gift and he said coldly: “What did you do that for?” And I said “Why, didn’t you get me anything?” And he said, “No, I bought you a new car less than a year ago. What more do you want?”

I just went into the bathroom and cried into a towel, so the kids wouldn’t hear me.

I don’t feel any better today than I did that day.

What he said and did was so disrespectful it killed a part of my feelings for him — not all my feelings, because I loved him so much when we got married, but enough that I don’t see him as my hero anymore. He also spoiled the gift of the car for me.

Now, he’s just the guy I have kids with. I feel sad for that loss.

What a jerk I’ve married. I almost feel like giving him the car back, but I’m not stupid enough to do that. What should I do? — So Messed Up, Charleswood

Dear Messed Up: This would be a good time to have a non-physical “fight” with him.

Make sure the kids are not around — take them to their grandparents’ and have the house to yourselves.

Make a list of what you want to talk about and tell him you’re having an important discussion about the “state of the union.”

You give the first address and tell him what you think.

Then be prepared for two reactions: he walks out to think about it or he quickly gives you back a verbal list of things you have done to make him feel nasty enough to do and say what he did.

Maybe you both need to have a cry right away and a long second talk a few days later.

I’m thinking people who would give a car as a gift, don’t generally behave as he did without some complaints of their own. Don’t let this silence go on and on. Get your feelings out in the open and then you might go see a counsellor together to work out apologies and ways to fix the things that are broken in your marriage — things you maybe didn’t even know until this happened.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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