Dad has returned and kids aren’t happy

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This article was published 10/06/2018 (2685 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a fine, giving woman who deserves a medal for bringing up five brats.

My father was a drunk and a rolling stone, and he’d come around just often enough to get her pregnant again for the year.

I’m not sure why she did nothing to prevent it.

My mom worked cleaning houses and she actually enjoyed her work. Her clients all loved her — as do we.

But now, the unexpected has happened. Our father has stopped drinking, gotten religion in jail, and come back to my mother begging forgiveness, saying he is a new man.

And, get this, she has taken the creep back.

None of my brothers and sisters are going over there to visit, now that he’s there.

Maybe this is unfair to our mother, but we hate him, and hate being where they share a bed and a life together.

He doesn’t have a job, and he’s living off of her cleaning money.

How should we treat our mother now?

— Writing For Five, West End

Dear Writing: Invite mom to your house alone and often, and feed her meals, so your conversation isn’t stilted.

You have the right to say “I’m only inviting you; don’t bring him.”

If she doesn’t like it, tell her “He was never a real father to me and doesn’t automatically get that designation. You both had to be parents for us and I’m inviting you.”

Don’t be unkind with your mother. Tell her how much you love her and don’t shame her for taking your father back.

Just don’t talk about him. She isn’t choosing your partner and you can’t forbid her this man.

Chances are 50/50 this guy will tire of being a well-behaved man and leave again.

If so, be ready to pick your mom up and take care of her as she took care of you and your siblings.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My heart is sore and my poor eyes hurt from crying over a little incident where I yelled at my fiancé. OK, I screamed my lungs out at him. He asked for the huge diamond ring back. I pulled it off and threw it at his face and it hit him in the nose.

He deserved it!

Now he won’t take my calls, texts or emails.

He said, “We’re done. I’d never marry a woman who screamed at me, kids we might have, or anyone else.”

What can I do to get him back?

— Screamed At Him, Downtown

Dear Screamed: You’d best respect his desire to be left alone and get yourself some coaching for your bad behaviour. What man wants a wife who screams at him or the children? Somebody who also yells, and maybe hits, too.

It’s all a form of violence toward the target.

You can make all the promises you want not to scream again, but you need to take the time necessary to unlearn the behaviour, and deal with the past experiences that brought you to the point where you would be verbally violent.

Yes, it’s a form of abuse.

Ask yourself: what made you think this behaviour was OK?

Most people don’t do it. It’s a choice, and you have made this choice before with someone else, I’m guessing.

Maybe you watched your parents do this.

Learning that this is not the way to deal with a partner, and replacing the screaming with new civilized behaviours, can be accomplished with help. But it will take time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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