Guilt over infidelity could wreck future

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/08/2018 (2964 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went walking in the bush at La Barrière Park and came upon an old love of mine who was birdwatching, like me. We are both grown women who had a love affair in our 20s. She’s bisexual and got married to a man and had children. I am definitely lesbian and had a longtime relationship with a woman. 

I walked up to her and she smiled, and as was our custom from long ago, we rubbed noses and kissed lightly. It just happened. It was not something we could avoid.

We spent the afternoon together in the woods and the same deep attraction was there. Her husband has never had any idea about me. They haven’t had sex for seven years, but are good friends and have three 20-something children.

I thought that was going to be it, but she phoned me the next day, wanting to come over. I said to her, “Don’t come if it’s a lark. Come if you want a relationship, secret or otherwise.” She hesitated and said, “I don’t know, so I guess I can’t come.”

At that point, I felt so disappointed I relented, and she came over with a little suitcase! She told her husband a lie about seeing a friend who was staying at a hotel in town. It was like we’d never been apart.

The morning was even better with mimosas and a big breakfast and a long talk holding hands. Now I’m a mess. I want my wonderful lover back. What should I do? — So Mixed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Mixed Up: You, as the single woman, have to decide whether you’d be OK with the uncertainty of knowing that this woman may never leave her husband, for traditional family reasons.  Even if you get a promise from her to that effect, there may be a lot of talk and no action.

If you can’t live with it, you have to draw a line in the sand now or you’ll end up in shreds.

Can this married woman live with the guilt that she’s cheating on her husband? Could she suggest an open marriage? Some men think a woman’s female lover is just a joke and no threat, believe it or not. Smarter men know otherwise.

In the final analysis, you have to know what you can live with, which may be secrecy. You can’t expect your lover to promise how things will turn out because there is a third person involved. If he feels threatened, he could up his game in the love and sex department and maybe change things.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We are proud grandparents, yet we’re worried and feel left out. Our children only let us see our grandchild once every two weeks and the other grandparents are only allowed to see the grandchild every second week, when it’s not “our turn.”

Heck, we see our friends’ grandchildren more than this. We are loving, family-based people and have never heard of such restrictions. This situation happened immediately after our grandchild was born. We have no idea why. The other grandparents are also loving, with strong family values.

We are saddened and confused at not being a bigger part of our grandchild’s life and are concerned about what type of values are being instilled in our grandchild.

We (four) grandparents are scared to discuss this with our children since we fear being totally cut off from all contact. We feel a bit like strangers already. We’re at a loss as to what to do. — Sad and Confused, Southern Manitoba

Dear Sad and Confused: The fact you’re so concerned about what values are being instilled in this grandchild tips me off to your biggest problem with the younger parents — values control. Is there perhaps a difference of religion and/or culture?

You four grandparents have to back off on this. It’s not your job to shape this child’s mind and values, especially if they’re different from what the parents believe is right and good.

As for who’s engineering this strict control on your time with the grandchild, it’s not always the obvious one — the friendliest person may be the one limiting visitation by the grandparents. Generally, the young dads aren’t as concerned, but this may not be the case.

In fact, both young parents may not want their parents’ old values passed on.

It’s time for an open discussion; open it up by telling them you have no interest in passing on values and just want to enjoy some time with your grandchild. You may see the visitation restrictions ease as everyone becomes more relaxed. 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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