Revenge worse than a kick in the butt

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This article was published 10/09/2018 (2945 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did something bad and it backfired on me. My husband was getting on my nerves on purpose and then went into the kitchen to get something from the fridge. He was bent over, pawing through the fridge with his fat behind sticking out. Without thinking, I wound up and kicked him in the butt. I did it on purpose, and I enjoyed it!

He was really mad and vowed he’d get even. But unlike me, he said, he would never assault anyone. It’s two weeks later and he still hasn’t done anything. Finally, I said, “I thought you were going to get even with me.” He said, “The only thing worse than getting hit is waiting to get hit.”

I told him that was mental cruelty. How is that better than what I did, which I did in fun and lasted only two seconds? What should I do to get this stupid fight over with?

— Just Fooling Around, River Heights

Dear Just Fooling: You might try apologizing. It sounds like you haven’t done that, because you thought kicking him in the butt was quite amusing. He may not be mean enough to want to do anything to hurt you, so he’s fallen into silence and distancing himself from you — bad news for a marriage, not to mention your sex life. Or, he may surprise you with a bucket of water to your head. Let’s be serious: this kind of “joking” activity is immature and not suited to lovers, who should be protecting, not hurting, each other. And, you need to be the one who apologizes first.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In reply to Burnt Out, a young teacher already feeling super-stressed by her workload: I got into teaching as an older adult and already had a family and enough life experience that I wasn’t going to allow myself to get burned out. Having children also helped me understand that you learn on-the-go with each child.

As a teacher, you have 20-plus students who all have different characters and different parenting. It’s a very big challenge, and next year you have 20 different ones. I’ve watched young teachers go through this stress, so here’s my advice.

First, you’ll never be able to do it all, so let that stress go. You don’t need to try every new strategy given to you. Pick and choose what suits your personality. Don’t try to be someone else in your teaching. In the areas you feel the weakest, look for new ways to improve — but in just a few areas per year.

Lots of teachers get worked up over assessments, especially during report card season. Use your professional judgment. Take notes of personal observations every week or month and use them along with marking.

Most important advice: make sure every parent knows you like their child and it will be easy dealing with them. Make sure the students know you like them, but also have firm boundaries, and they will respect you. Administration and parent issues will be limited if your parent/student/teacher relationships are good.

Stand up for your own mental health and don’t allow administrators or other teachers to bully you. Try not to doubt yourself. There is no perfect teacher out there. You’re doing your best — and that is more than a lot of teachers. I can tell you genuinely care about teaching, and are already a great teacher. You will continue to get better but you can’t go on like last year, crying at night — that’s not good for you or your students.

— Refusing to Get Burnt Out, Manitoba

Dear Refusing: On behalf of Burnt Out, thanks for the great advice and encouragement. In my experience as a teacher, I learned it was a good idea to assess what part of teaching you most enjoy and specialize, if you can. It may be working with special needs kids, or something else that radically reduces the number of students you work with every day. Also, one should never make teaching their whole life for 10 months of the year. Burnt Out needs to get involved with a sport, artistic activity or a hot lover that can take her mind off teaching sometimes. The only way to totally enjoy teaching is to have another completely different activity to counter the stress.

Got a problem in your personal life? Email Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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