Secret lover not ready to open closet door

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This article was published 29/11/2018 (2865 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so angry at my boyfriend, who only visits after he leaves the bar. That means I see him every night, but he smells like booze. He doesn’t act drunk, but he’s a drunk just the same.

All the women love him because he’s so funny. But I’m not a woman. He’s secretly gay, and I am his real lover.

I’m sick of being hidden away, but he says he can’t afford to be seen with me because he’d get beaten up. He hangs out in macho bars.

I don’t know what to do because I’m so turned off by his drinking. He comes to me secretly for sex, late dinners and real love.

I know he loves me back, but then he loves everybody. He brings me lots of gifts (some look suspect), making it look like I’m having an affair with Santa Claus.

He tells me how much he cares and how much he appreciates me, but I am his dirty little secret. What should I do? — Hidden and Hurt, Winnipeg

Dear Hurt: Let’s say he does take your relationship out of the closet and declares himself gay. Are his friends the type who would turn away?

What does he want with your relationship? This is what you have to figure out. Does he envision a lifetime of secrecy? Maybe he likes the cloak and dagger aspect, as it makes it seem forbidden and exciting to him.

You’re obviously not like that. It seems that you alone will end up having to make this decision — to remain his secret or to break it off, suffer the hurt and find someone who is happy to have an openly gay relationship.

You’re obviously ready for openness and he may never reach that stage. He doesn’t have to reveal his secret because he has you.

You may have to break up with him to live the life you want. He will feel badly, but it seems important to him that other guys think he’s straight.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I inherited my new wife’s children and I don’t think they like me much. They live with us five days a week and spend weekends with their father. I live for the weekend when they kiss their mother goodbye and I kiss her hello again.

That cheating jerk can handle the responsibilities and constant demands of the kids, and we get two days off. But my wife is a good mom and she misses those kids. I can feel her sadness.

I had no idea how close she was to her children until we got married — she introduced me to her kids only a month earlier. They weren’t used to me being around — and certainly not sleeping with their mom.

It just isn’t comfortable when we are all together. What should I do? — Detached Stepfather, Brandon

Dear Detached: Leave your wife at home and take the kids out to some fun winter activities like skating or tobogganing, or a movie where you can all interact and start to bond.

Your wife may wish she could come, but she’s part of the problem. The kids have been turning all their attention to her because you still feel like the interloper.

There’s a chance your wife is feeling pretty guilty right now with you installed in the daddy chair, as well as in the bedroom she used to share with her children’s father.

You have to win the kids over when Mom is not around. It’s worth the energy and your only choice you have if you want this new marriage to last.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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