Don’t be surprised when ultimatums backfire

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This article was published 01/12/2018 (2842 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I want my hairy boyfriend to practise personal grooming below the waist or “manscaping” as I like to call it. He says his last girlfriend preferred the natural look and he prefers it, too. I said, “Then go back to her.” Last weekend, he didn’t call and I saw him in town with her in his car. I honked loud and long, and he saw me.

I was so mad, I chased him to the edge of town. I tried to bump into the back of his car and he took off like a shot. I want to go after him. I know where he parks his car and I won’t let him get away with cheating on me. My sister says I could get in big trouble with the law, but why should he get away with this? He did it just because I wanted him to do some decent manscaping!

— Furious Fire Woman, Manitoba

Dear Furious: You gave him an ultimatum and suggested he go back to his old girlfriend if he wouldn’t do what you wanted. He’s taking you up on your foolish suggestion.

Worse news? You two are finished for good, and bashing his car will only get you into trouble with the police, as your sister warns. Next time you disagree with a boyfriend you want to keep, try talking it out with love and humour. Never suggest another woman. Talk about inviting disaster.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m not totally impressed by this new guy I’m dating. He’s three-quarters gentleman and one-quarter backwoods hillbilly. He knows how to dress and be kind to a woman, but his grammar can be such a turnoff.

Phrases like “I ain’t got no” just drive me up the wall. I tried to talk to him about it, and he said, “Don’t I treat you well? Just be glad I don’t tell you how I notice your bright orange hair with an inch of black roots showing, Pumpkinhead!” He laughed, but I gave him the stink eye. He offered to trade the bad grammar for better-looking hair on my part.

I lost it, and told him what he could do! Now we’re not talking. At least, I’m not answering his calls, yet.

— He’s Not Getting Off Easy, Winnipeg

Dear Easy: Actually, the proper English for that would be “not getting off easily,” not “easy.” It looks like you’re not a grammar expert yourself. Seriously, spitting in the face of a fair ­person generally gets you a bad result.

The issue here was classiness and both of you had a complaint. He was the generous one and offered to trade offending behaviours. But then, you shut him out. That phone will quit ringing on his side faster than you expect as he’s thinking, “I can’t get no… satisfaction.” (Thanks, Mick.)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate at my new boyfriend’s parents’ place and I was so nervous I could only push the food around on my plate. The mother, who is old-fashioned, said, “So, you don’t like my cooking?”

I could tell she was really offended. I babbled nervously, “I can’t eat because I’m so nervous you won’t like me and I’m trying to concentrate on what I say to you!” To my surprise, she leaned back in her chair and laughed her head off! She said to her husband, “Get this girl a drink! She is afraid of the Dragon Lady!”

I had more than a few drinks and we got along like a house on fire. She has invited me back for dinner in another two weeks. I don’t want to get so drunk again. I almost threw up. What do you suggest?

— Lousy Drinker, River Heights

Dear Lousy Drinker: Eat a little before you get there, so you’re not drinking on an empty stomach and tell Dragon Lady you don’t need to get so drunk to talk to her this time. It seems like there could be a good relationship brewing there, if you play your cards right. Please write back and tell us how dinner No. 2 turns out.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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