Parents’ marriage needs a shakeup

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This article was published 17/02/2019 (2454 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a mother and father who seem like great fun to everyone else, but treat me like their personal football. Their friends don’t know my mom and my dad don’t get along at home at all. They put on a show of having the perfect marriage, but there’s terrible bitterness and anger on both sides over an affair my father had four years ago. My mother won’t leave him because she’s never had a career and my father is loaded. After one of their recent battles over nothing, I told them I will be moving out at the end of the university school year in May. I have friends with a house and they want me to move in.

My mother said they will cut off my education and living allowance if I move out. “Fine, I’ll be a waiter, like my friends,” I said. Then my mother started crying and begged me not to go, saying her marriage would fall apart. I said, “The marriage is already dead, mom. Time to bury the corpse!” She slapped my face for the first time since I was a kid.

In all honesty, the guilt is very hard on me. I don’t want my mother to be destitute, but I’m tired of being the glue that somehow holds their married together.

— Krazy Glue, Tuxedo

Dear Glue: Breaking up with a wealthy husband will not leave your mother destitute. Stick to your plan to get a job, but tell your mother she needs to quietly find a good lawyer to ensure she gets her due in terms of money and property in the split. A family lawyer already retained by your father will not do as her advocate.

If your mom really wants to stay with your father — and you’re no longer in the house as a buffer zone — she may forgive him for the affair (if he still loves her) and they might even end up getting some counselling. Or not.

Your dad may want his freedom but is not pursuing it openly until you’re out of the nest. If he does leave, your mom may be terribly upset at first, but could find someone new who loves her. She may even get a job or go back to school. Don’t feel you have to stay home to keep this marriage together. It needs a shakeup.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend just cut off his beautiful long hair, and I hate it. Now he looks like every other guy with the shaved sides, thatch on top and short beard.

I liked him when he looked like the musician he is, not like a business school graduate. We met at a bar after his haircut and I almost didn’t recognize him.

He asked me how I liked his new haircut and I stuttered like a sheep. Finally, I said, “The hair? Not so much — but I still like you.” His face and ears turned pink and he half stood and grabbed his jacket. “Well, you’ve gained 30 pounds since I met you,” he said. “I’m not so crazy about that either, but I still like you.”

I threw my money on the table for the server, and we left in two different directions. Now what? We’re both not even trying to communicate.

— Silence is Deafening, Wolseley

Dear Deafening: It would take you about as much time to lose 30 pounds as it would for him to grow his hair long again, but would you still like each other?

Look, you two aren’t married and don’t mention having any kids. This instant freedom and privacy you have is one of the great joys of not living together before you’re committed to love and family. He doesn’t have to feel like his head looks repulsive to you and you don’t have to feel you look fat in his eyes. Just leave it. This relationship is not worth rescuing when the “like” word comes out of your mouth, instead of “love.” Unlike lovers who’ve had a bad, hurtful fight, you’re not even trying to communicate.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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