‘Spitfire’ mom in need of some serious retraining

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This article was published 01/03/2019 (2443 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom is a wildcat. She gets into fights with everybody — mechanics, delivery people, her tax accountant, doctors, our dad. Everybody has to get away from her, as she’s so loud and disrespectful and enjoys nothing more than a fight. After it’s over she wants to be friends, but no one outside my dad is willing to forgive her. My dad only makes it worse by calling her “Little Spitfire,” thinking it’s cute. 

Not cute to her kids! I moved out at 17 and my brother at 18 because of her. How can we deal with her now? She invites us for dinner and we never want to go. We love her, but we can’t trust there won’t be any fighting.

— Distancing From Mom, Osborne Village

Dear Distancing: You could train her, like a pet. Go for dinner next time she asks, but warn her you’ll leave immediately if she puts on an anger show. If she starts up, rise from the table, shake your heads and tell her, “We warned you, Mom. Bye for now.” Then leave, even if dinner is half-eaten and she’s screaming for you to stay. 

Your mom’s anger flips off quickly, so you’ll get more invites. Keep accepting the invitations and keep warning her you will leave if she acts up. You can suggest she get help for her behaviour. She might actually follow through if you keep walking out on her. You might even say, “Love ya, Ma, but we’ve had our quota of this behaviour for a lifetime. See you again soon.”

She will find the “love” remark confusing, but it will also give her the impetus to do something about her rages if she sees her two loving children walking out the door again. You haven’t rejected her — you’ve rejected her behaviour.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been most unfortunate in my choice of husbands. I have a sympathetic personality and the ability to listen with interest for long periods of time to the men in my life. But in both of my marriages, my depressive husbands have succumbed to their deep depressions, despite my caring attention. 

I’m in my 40s, and too young to live alone the rest of my life. Please tell me how I can attract and love a different kind of man. I can’t take a third experience of this kind, it will break me in two. 

— Desperate For a Good Relationship, Winnipeg

Dear Desperate: You speak as if you are a tree in the ground, and a man can choose to come up to you and take shelter in your branches, while you remain rooted where you stand. These might be good qualities if you were in a helping profession and went home to a loving, healthy partner. But you don’t want needy, dependent men as love partners.

You need counselling to deal with this codependent behaviour. How would it feel to you to accept a loving and supportive partner? Do you need to rescue a man in order to feel worthy and lovable yourself? Would you be OK with a man who is emotionally healthy? Do you find yourself overly involved in other people’s problems?

There are many books on codependency that could be helpful to you, and self-help groups you could join. Not sure if you’re codependent? You can find a checklist at coda.org (under Free Downloadable Materials).

Some young people grew up looking after a parent who wasn’t well, or had to “mother” younger siblings and were praised for their actions. That’s not working for you as an adult in love. You’re only 40 and you want a different kind of relationship. People certainly can change important parts of their personalities as adults, but it takes hard work and persistence. That means doing intensive work on yourself with the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist. See your physician for a referral.

In the meantime, you might want to check out some books on the subject, including The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others, by Mary C. Lamia and Marilyn J. Krieger.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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