Young wife tired of hubby’s possessive ways

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This article was published 16/03/2019 (2428 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young wife is so beautiful I can’t stand to take her out anywhere, even to the store, because the guys just stare at her with lust. She’s been getting more and more depressed since our wedding last summer. She’s in her early 20s and I’m in my 30s with a good career.

Last weekend, she literally begged me to take her dancing. We finally went out to a dance bar and she had guys staring at her and asking her to dance every 15 minutes.

She’s a polite girl from a small town, so she says yes and dances nicely with them, not flirting or anything. But after six guys, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I said, “Don’t dance with any more of these guys. Dance with me, and me only.” So we got up and danced — once. Then she said, “Let’s just go!”

When we got out in the car, she asked what my problem was. She complained I wouldn’t let her work and kept her at home so I could get her pregnant. “I can’t stand you anymore,” she said. “It feels like I’m in prison!”

Then I made a big mistake and said I couldn’t stand her “flirting” with those other guys and that I wasn’t going to take her out again. I didn’t really mean it, of course. She said she wasn’t a possession to be locked away in the house just because I’m so insanely jealous. I was mad and shrugged it off.

Two days later, she blew. She screamed she felt trapped in our marriage, hated life with me and was not going to have my baby. She broke down and cried, and said she was happier when she was single. I said, “Go ahead and be single again!” I didn’t mean it, but I was mad.

The next day I was away overnight on business, and when I came home, she was gone. A note on the table said she was sorry, but she couldn’t continue being my wife, and had left to live with her parents. She said she didn’t feel any love for me anymore.

I phoned her parents’ place and begged her to come back. Her father came on the line and, in a barely controlled voice, told me to leave his daughter alone “or else.” I’m not a thug and I’m not a wife beater, but he was giving me the feeling he thought I was. I could tell by her father’s voice that there is no way I will be seeing her again in this lifetime, unless I wanted broken bones. So now what can I do to get my wife back?

— Broken-Hearted Husband

Dear Broken-Hearted: She won’t be back. You may be broken-hearted, but you are not her keeper. A woman has a right to say she wants to be left alone, to separate, to divorce and to have those decisions respected. You married a much younger woman and, because of her beauty and your own insecurities, kept her under a sort of house arrest.

What you need is not just relationship counselling, but psychological help. You can’t repeat this abusive behaviour. Therapy requires hard work, but it’s surprising what a good psychologist or psychiatrist can do if you stick with them. Your physician can refer you to this kind of help if you are open about your situation.

Don’t expect the therapy to help you win your wife back. The idea is to fix what’s wrong, so that you can be healthy and secure enough to treat a woman right and start a healthy new relationship one day.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s a fantastic guy working on my house and I love seeing him come through the door. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he kind of hesitated and said, “Yes, sort of.”

What does that mean? I’d like to make a date with him before he finishes my project, and that time is quickly approaching. How do you ask out a guy when you have power over him because you are paying him? I realize this would not be a nice thing to do. What should I say to him?

— Got a Crush, Fort Garry

Dear Crush: Ask for his card. When he’s been paid and gone a few weeks, give him a call. Tell him to give you a call if and when he’s no longer attached and maybe you could go out for pizza.

If he doesn’t seem enthusiastic, tell him in a pleasant voice: “That’s OK. I just thought you were great person and I wanted to get to know you better. Bye now!” And let it go at that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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