Fess up before someone does it for you

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This article was published 20/03/2019 (2426 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a secret. I was married a long time ago, and divorced, in another country. My Canadian wife and I have been married a long time. It bothers me, but the “lie” has gone on so long, I’m afraid to tell her. It makes me feel guilty.

There’s more. I was very active as a young man and there could be a child I don’t know about. I feel nervous when I read these stories of people finding “lost” family members. My wife recently confessed she had an abortion when she was a teenager. Is this the time to tell her about my past?

— Nervous About My Past Life, Winnipeg

Dear Nervous: There’s never an easy time to disclose this kind of secret, but your wife did offer up her confession, making this probably the best time to bring up your past. Remember, a person’s first upset reaction is not always their last reaction — or their best. Give her time to be upset while she sorts through it. Don’t bring up her abortion as any kind of excuse for your own behaviour.

On the other hand, if you say you don’t blame her for keeping her own secret so long, she may respond by saying it’s good to have everything out in the open. Then, if by chance your ex-wife writes you or someone comes looking for his or her birth father, it won’t be a total shock to either of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out the troubles between my husband and myself in the bedroom have not been kept private!

My best friend phoned and told me her husband came home after being at the bar with my husband, who told him I am “lousy” in bed. That was the word he used. What my husband didn’t mention is he’s let his body go and is 40 pounds overweight, mostly in the stomach. He smells of after-work beer and cigarettes and comes home half-drunk two or three times a week wanting his dinner and sex. He’s not the guy I married, by a long shot.

I’ve kept myself in good shape, even with two little kids and working full time, but I’m dog-tired most days. If my husband were still attractive, smelled good and was sweet and loving, I’d still be interested in sex and put something into it, no matter how tired I was feeling.

All I can manage lately is maintenance sex so as not to break up the family. Now, I’m embarrassed and furious about his big mouth on top of everything else.

Please help.

— Furious Wife, Fort Richmond

Dear Furious: While some couples find it alarming to need counselling, you two are at that point. Both of you are hurting, angry and unhappy, which is often the prelude to an affair or the end of a marriage. Wives don’t become angry, repulsed and unresponsive to their husbands for nothing. And husbands don’t pile on 40 pounds and start hitting the bar and smoking their faces off for nothing, either. What have you not told me about the things that are upsetting him, besides a lack of sex?

A good relationship counsellor deals regularly with the same problems you two are having, and can offer effective solutions. You were crazy about each other at one time. With help from a professional, loving and sexual feelings can often be rekindled. It’s well worth the money.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I picked up my mail at work and found a personal letter with no stamp. It was from a woman in a different department. I know who she is. We look at each other in the lunch room as we always go there at the same time, usually alone.

I’m single, but I don’t know about her marital status. She said straight out she’d like to meet me at “a bar downtown for a friendly drink.”

I think she’s attractive and I’m tempted, but it’s obvious she doesn’t want us to be seen together at work. I think this whole drink thing is probably a bad idea, but I’m tempted because I’m lonely and haven’t had a woman in my life for a while.

— Considering It, Broadway

Dear Considering It: This woman is skipping the middle step, so you need to take it. Next time you see her in the lunchroom, sit down with her and have a little conversation over lunch. She may be someone you’d like to get to know better, or she may be a bore, or she may be married and playing games.

You’ll soon get a sense of whether you want to get to know her personally, or whether you want to walk away quickly, breathing a sigh of relief.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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