No single solution for dealing with alcoholic

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This article was published 06/04/2019 (2729 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing about the reader calling herself In Love With an Alcoholic Man who said she couldn’t walk away because she loved him more than anything.

You suggested Al-Anon as a solution for this woman, which I find concerning. As a person who was once in a situation like this, I found that Al-Anon wanted to teach me how to stay with the addicted person. That’s not what I needed, and I’d venture to say that’s not what this person needs either.

The Addictions Foundation of Manitoba has wonderful counsellors and programs for the codependent. With their help, my eyes were opened and I broke my codependency and am living a much more satisfying life with my new spouse of more than 10 years.

Al-Anon can work for some people, but not for all. In my opinion, AFM is the best place to start.

— Living Happily Now, Winnipeg

Dear Living Happily: A person who is linked to a family member they never want to lose — say a son, daughter or parent — may want to ease the codependency, but not want to to cut themselves off from the loved one. That can be the same with an alcoholic spouse who may be disappointing, but is never violent and can still do their part to support the family. I have known some gentle alcoholics in my life who did very well at work. Their spouses did not want to kick them out, but they needed to find ways to live with them. Al-Anon fit the bill.

If you can happily walk away from a difficult, angry and perhaps violent spouse, then the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba may be the best option for you. 

The answer to dealing with alcoholics in your life is not always complete rejection. You must consider what their behaviour is doing to you. If it is causing you great harm, you need to find a way out, not just a way to cope.

Sometimes, being “cut off” will cause an alcoholic to finally seek the help they need to dry out. They may even return to their loved ones with a new, healthier perspective on life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m stuck in a loop. Or it feels that way. I’m almost 41 and I’ve been single for a very long time. My last relationship with a woman was more than 12 years ago and I was so stupidly in love I just gave up afterward.

My routine is to get up, buy a coffee and smokes and then play Xbox all day with an out-of-work buddy. My physique isn’t bad, but l wouldn’t want to take my shirt off at the pool. I know I could go to the gym, but why bother? I’m still going to be single and it’ll cost a bunch of money and time.

When I go to bed at night, it all feels different. I feel like I know exactly why my life is in bad shape and all the things I need to do to fix it. But when I get up, I have zero motivation to do any of those things.

— Looking for A Way Up, St. Boniface

Dear Looking: The reason you find answers when you go to bed is you’re not at the starting line. When you get up in the morning, there’s that pressure to start a new routine. 

You haven’t really worked that hard all day, so when you go to bed, you’re not that sleepy and you start to think. With no pressure to get started, you review all your weaknesses and problems and your mind slowly puts all the pieces together. By then, you’re too tired or lazy to write anything down. Come morning, you’ve pushed aside the solutions and the cycle continues.

This sounds like a form of depression. A good place to start is the Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba (4 Fort St.), which offers self-help groups every day of the week for all kinds of depression. The people who work there are friendly and helpful and will point you to groups that would benefit you.

You will meet people who are in the same situation and are working their way out of it. You also won’t feel so alone.  Once you start dealing with your motivation issues, chances are you will begin to feel more confident and attract people you want to be close to.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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