Don’t let body bully erode your self-respect

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/11/2021 (1768 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My live-in boyfriend has become a health nut and he’s taken me on as his special project. I’ve definitely put on the “COVID 20.” I chose to look at it as “comfort weight gain in unprecedented times.”

At first, I was on board with what I mistook for his thoughtful ways. Now he’s become the Gordon Ramsay of exercise and healthy eating. He may think barking exercise orders at me or taking food right off my plate is motivating. Well, it’s not!

I’ve spoken to him about his unhealthy approach to “helping” me, but it falls on deaf ears. I feel so stressed that I’ve become a closet eater, sneaking all types of comfort carbs. The most embarrassing part is I’ve started to take laxatives to help rid me of my closet-eating weight gains. I know laxatives are only a temporary solution when he puts me on the scale.

I’ve started to dislike my boyfriend intensely, and am at the point of asking him to pack up and leave. Before the pandemic and my comfort eating, my boyfriend and I were so in love! Can 20 pounds really make that much difference in how he loves me?

— Still Myself, Aren’t I? West End

Dear Myself: Most people wouldn’t care about 20 extra pounds if they loved somebody deeply, though they may be a little turned off physically.

Your boyfriend is trying to bully and body-shame you into going back to the way you looked before, so it looks like his love was not all that deep. The best thing for you is to dump him and stem the unhealthy self-criticism he has provoked. Immediately stop taking those laxatives and shaming yourself for food cravings. If you feel you want to lose weight, you can do it in a healthy way and on your own schedule.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I were blessed with a beautiful daughter and decided we’d try for another baby. We had the most precious baby boy. Sadly, he passed away from SIDS. We were inconsolable. Friends and family would say, “You’re young, you can have another baby.” This was not helpful or comforting.

My husband was chatting with a co-worker on speaker phone while working from home recently. I could hear a child crying in the background. My husband said, “I hear a little one.” His co-worker then asked if he had any children, to which he replied, “Yes, we have a three-year-old daughter.”

I started to cry and when he finished his call, I let him have it. “We have a daughter, as well as a son who passed away! That should have been your response.” My husband said stubbornly, “We have a daughter.” Then he walked away, leaving me speechless and in tears. We haven’t spoken beyond necessities in days.

He just doesn’t understand the pain of a mother. I carried my precious child for nine months, loving him more each month. I don’t want to pretend like we never had a son. How do I approach my cold-hearted husband and make him see that our son mattered?

—Broken-hearted Mother of Two, Winnipeg

Dear Broken-hearted: When someone innocently asks how many children you have, it’s asked in the present tense. That’s how your husband answered the question. The person asking doesn’t expect a painful, personal discussion over a child you have lost in the past. It’s too heavy, and it makes things awkward. It quickly turns a casual discussion into uncomfortable consolation. Plus, the other person doesn’t know whether to ask how the death happened.

Avoiding that conversation, as your husband did, doesn’t mean he loved that deceased child any less or has forgotten him. It’s just that the subject is private and painful. By not bringing up the deceased child, you avoid hijacking the conversation every time someone innocently asks about the number of children you have presently.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend wants me to come over to her parents’ house when they are out at the lake. She wants to have sex. We have been so close a number of times, and now she wants to go all the way because she’s on the pill. We are both 19, but what if it doesn’t work? My parents had a lot of kids, and some of them were “whoopsies,” as my auntie put it.

— No Pregnancies Wanted, St. Boniface

Dear No Pregnancies Wanted: You sound unsure of this sexual adventure and your girlfriend seems to be leading the way into it. As much as you’d like to have sex, you really need to employ more than one method. That means you need to buy quality condoms, and use them as well. Either that, or back out of this chancy adventure for now and stick to sexual activities other than intercourse.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography