If you’re not up for wanderlust, time to move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/07/2020 (2280 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother was a rolling stone. She loved to hang her hat in different places — always an adventure for her. We’d just get settled and she’d land a new job somewhere else, and off we’d go.

My dad trailed after her because he couldn’t keep a job very well, playing his music, and she was just fine with that. Mom was an accountant — and a very good one. She cleaned up at tax time every year.

But mom had the wanderlust, so we rarely got more than two years in one place. Then she’d find a big “new opportunity” and we’d change cities. We’ve lived in more than half a dozen cities as kids growing up. Great for her, not so great for us kids, school and friend-wise.

I moved out at 19, rented a little house in the country, bought it at age 25 and have never moved since.

Problem! I have a wonderful new girlfriend but she just announced she’d like to go on a big world trip in a year or so, and is going to start saving money. Shades of my mother. This girl knew better than to ask me along!

I’m really disappointed in myself I’ve fallen in love with her. I did everything not to fall in love with women like my mother up to now, and this one seemed so settled down.

It seemed she’d already done all the travelling she’d want to do, right around the world, and she is pushing 35 — baby-making age. I thought to myself maybe we’d get married and have kids pretty soon, and enjoy our settled home together.

Last night it hit me in the head. Either I get with her travelling program, or she’ll be gone from my world. But I just can’t start traipsing around behind her, as my dad did with my mother. How did I fall into this trap?

— 20 Times a Fool, Winnipeg Outskirts

Dear 20 Times: For extremely adventurous people, travelling isn’t something you get your fill of and get over.

You hinted this exciting lady told you she was a big traveller before she met you. She probably had a lot of great stories, and was exciting and fun. (Whoops, just like mom.) And then there were all the travelling/moving house stories you could tell your new lady about — not as much fun, but still, there was a kind of adventure to talk about.

Travellers are often attracted to each other, but, you’re a retired traveller now, staying home with a vengeance (towards mom).

Since it’s so important to you to have roots, stay put and build from there. You’ll have to have a big discussion with this lady, which may well end in a breakup. You’d really do best with a homebody type of lady who’s gone on a few holiday trips (no big deal to her) and can enjoy a well-rooted family with you.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I are not gift people. We don’t like “stuff” and are not people who enjoy the shopping experience. Sometimes we give each other a gift, but it will be something that can be consumed, like a bottle of wine, or something we want (not need) like upgrading our cellphones. We have two kids to whom we give gifts (we’re not monsters) but not endless stuff they will never play with.

We have some friends and family who are not the same way. They shop and give gifts to everyone they know. Some family members always give us some ugly knick-knack we feel obligated put out when they come over.

Some other friends (who we see maybe once a year) always buy us and our kids something at Christmas and it ends up being more crap we don’t want, and the kids will never play with. We then have to buy something in return or risk looking cheap and ungrateful.

We aren’t cheap. The money doesn’t bother me, but the time spent buying something we don’t want to give is stressful. We also don’t want to get a bunch of stuff that is just going to add to a landfill.

We aren’t ungrateful and appreciate the thought but just have different values when it comes to physical possessions. How do you politely tell someone, who you’re not really close with, that you don’t want their crap (and don’t want to give them anything either)?

We have done it with people who we were closer to and knew wouldn’t be offended. That worked well, but other people seem to have different values.

— Landfill Saviour, Manitoba

Dear Landfill Saviour: You actually talk about other peoples’ gifts for you and your family as “crap.” One can picture you frowning when you open a gift, thinking, “What will I ever do with piece of useless junk?”

From your letter, it’s clear your kids have a father and a mother who feel and act this way. You may allow the kids gifts, but children can see the sneers and learn the ungracious behaviour you show towards the gifts people innocently give to you.

Your children will likely be anxious when they buy you gifts, because you’re so critical, spending a lot of time trying to find something you might actually approve of and like.

You may call yourself a “landfill saviour” but that’s a cover-up. You and your mate can choose to give consumables such as food and liquor, if that’s what you want, but don’t foist your cold attitudes on others.

When family and friends give you gifts, it’s often a symbol of their warm feelings for you. Why not smile, hug them, and thank them, instead of raising your eyebrows at the “landfill” crap they brought over for you, carefully wrapped in paper and ribbons?

Maybe holidays away at the beach at celebration times would be best for you; you’d avoid hurting others that way.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.