Look outside family for help to shelve sibling rivalry

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This article was published 20/07/2022 (1267 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Growing up, my sister and I were very competitive. I believe my parents encouraged this! Now as adults, we are just as competitive. I married a doctor; she married a surgeon. We purchased a beautiful new home; she is right now getting her home custom-built.

After a few beers the other night, I spoke to my parents about this constant competition between us. I told them that instead of us sisters being happy for one another’s accomplishments, we are always thinking of how we can do one better. It’s becoming so tiresome. I also told them in anger, that I blame them for the way we are!

My father laughed and said, “If this is your biggest problem from the way your mother and I raised you, then count yourself lucky. We will not speak to your sister about this. Grow up and be grateful!”

Why can’t they see how hurtful this is? Am I wrong in feeling this way?

— Sibling Rivalry Hurts, Bird’s Hill

Dear Sibling Rivalry: You sisters are adults now, and you parents’ work is done, for better or for worse. Dad says he’s not interfering on your behalf because he doesn’t see the problem. Besides, you are both too old for a lecture from him, even though you’re stuck back at an earlier stage of development. That means one or both of you sisters needs to go to a psychologist for a few counselling sessions to untie these knots. It’ll be well worth the money.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My beautiful daughter has been living with a freeloader of a man for the past year. This would be her first really serious relationship. This guy can barely hold down a job for more than a month. My daughter has a full-time professional job which covers the rent, groceries, utilities and any extra-curricular activities. What is she doing with him?

The last time they came over, he spoke about going to sporting events, high-end restaurants and more. I stopped him and said, “How can you afford to do all these things, when my daughter is the only one working and bringing home a paycheque?” Well, I could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but I just couldn’t stop them.

As you can imagine, the fight started. My daughter told me to mind my own business and her boyfriend said, “You’ll never see us again.”

I wish I could take my words back. My daughter will not answer my calls or emails. It’s been over a week of no contact. What can I do to let her know I only want the best for her, and he is not it!

— Upset Mother, West End

Dear Upset: Your daughter’s not complaining about her “kept man,” so why are you going to battle for her? Maybe the situation suits her. She may like being the head of finances and is OK with supporting this guy.

In our society, if a man supports a woman who isn’t out working steadily, nothing much is said. Perhaps your daughter loves her career life, hates homemaking and doesn’t mind paying for their life together. Let’s hope he makes her dinner once in a while.

Look, you may not want to apologize to this freeloader, but you’d better say something to make up with your daughter. Instead of helping her, you unfortunately insulted her choice of lifestyle and partner. You won’t be invited over while he’s living there, but you probably do want your daughter to go out for lunch with you sometimes, and visit at your place.

Bottom line? She’s OK with their set-up for now, so accept it. He’s not likely to be a keeper, but he’s the guy she wants in 2022. It’s her life, and you need to be borderline polite if you can’t stomach being gracious.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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