Stick to daytime visits with night-drunk mom

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/08/2020 (1875 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother and I had a terrible fight down at my cabin. I’m a father of two in my 30s. It happened mid-evening when she was getting drunk as usual, on martinis. She started hitting the gin right after the kids were asleep, just like she did when we were kids — as if we didn’t know and didn’t hear the fights with our dad.

She was drinking her third martini when she tried to push a drink on me. “Come on, join me. Don’t be such a stuffed shirt!” That was her old line to my dad, and I blew up! “You’ve always been a nighttime drunk!” I yelled. “Dad knew it and we kids knew it. We could never call for our mother if we were scared of the dark, because you’d be getting drunk. Dad was the one who always came if we needed to talk or had a nightmare.”

Then I really lost it, saying: “It’s not surprising he died early! You pushed him into an early grave!”

She started screaming and swearing, smashed her martini glass on the deck, grabbed her keys and purse, and steamed back to Winnipeg. We brought her suitcase home the next day. She left a phone message saying: “Just leave my suitcase in the yard!”

Now we’re not talking, and I like it that way.

My wife and the grandkids don’t, because she is sweet as pie to them in the daytime, before she turns into a drunk and becomes a witch by midnight. My wife wants me to apologize. I won’t. Help!

— Sad Son of a Drunk, Lake Winnipeg

Dear Sad Son: You’re obviously not the one to try to get mom sober. She doesn’t want it, and you don’t need the aggravation and abuse she’d heap on you. What would be good for you is to never see your mother getting drunk again!

That means you only see her for lunches with the grandkids and your wife — as insulation. Dinner-time invitations are finished. Forget breakfasts, as she’s still getting over the previous night of drinking. Christmas and birthdays can be brunches. What you’re looking for here is peace and a new pattern. As for the lake, don’t invite her for overnights. She blew those privileges this summer.

Good luck with this! Your mother will want to see the grandchildren badly enough that she’s guaranteed to accept a truce if and when you offer it. And remember, you don’t always have to be there for her visits, just sometimes, so it’s not perceived as a war.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met three men on a recent solo driving/photography trip to the beaches of Manitoba and all of them were out walking alone. Two were married and very interesting, and one was single and thought he was very interesting. He kept dropping the fact he’s not married. Who cares? The married guys were a lot more fun, didn’t take themselves seriously and had fun flirting. The single guy just did a lot of bragging about himself.

What none of them knew was I’m a married woman who doesn’t wear a wedding ring — never have and never will. My guy and I exchanged rings way back when, but I always felt weird wearing them, as did he, so they’re in the bank safe for any children who might want them one day.

I’m true to my husband, because I still want to be, but how I talk and behave is no different with married or single men, and I don’t want them shying away from me because I’m wearing somebody’s ownership sign. I wonder if other people have done this too?

— Free to Be Me, Manitoba

Dear Free: If people are crazy about their mate, and wear the rings out of love, that’s fine and good, even sweet. But I’m amazed at people who wear their wedding rings as a form of “protection.” There’s no doubt wedding rings do act as a shield to keep people away from flirting with them. That’s why some younger married women slip them into their purses when out with “the girls” dancing.

Maybe the people who get the biggest charge out of wedding rings are the new brides. I have yet to hear a guy showing off his wedding ring, even a young guy. I’d like to hear from men and women on how they really feel about wearing wedding rings — no real names printed, to preserve anonymity.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I woke this morning to a shocking realization. I’m not “in love” with my live-in partner. She is just my best friend.

A few weeks ago she dropped into a conversation with a friend on the phone that she wasn’t interested “in the motherhood bit.” I am very much interested in the fatherhood bit.

We didn’t talk about any of this stuff when I invited her to move into my place quickly at the start of COVID-19, forming our little bubble. We were really great sex partners. But she’s a 24-7 career woman, activist, and world traveller. I know now she doesn’t want to be saddled with babies. Also, the sex drive has worn off quite a bit. What now? This virus could go on for a long time.

— Burst Bubble, Fort Richmond

Dear Burst: You have to talk this over now — every detail, even expressing your strong desire for babies. You also have to tell her your loving emotions and sexual desire have been backsliding. She’ll be hurt, angry and uncomfortable staying with you. But people can still break up during COVID-19. Consider helping her financially to set up her new place.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.