Scarred for life after Sadeghian Incident

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/09/2010 (5528 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Ring, ring, ring….

Hello, this is the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sports Fans. Dr. R.U. Kiddinme speaking.

Me: Doc, you’ve gotta help me! I’ve done it again. I’m at my wits end. I think I might do something crazy!!

Dr. Kiddinme: Like what?

Me: That’s the scary part, doc. My whole world is upside down. Right is wrong. Good is evil. The laws of the universe are unravelling!! Just the other day I thought of Mike Kelly and…I….I….felt all warm and tingly inside. It’s all so confusing.

Dr. Kiddinme: Hold it together, man! I’m here to help. What has you so upset?

Me: It’s the Blue Bombers. They’ve done it to me again, doc. They got me to believe in them, lord help me. Then, boom, next thing you know it’s third-and-two and they’re handing the ball off to someone named Andre Sadeghian! I had to freakin’ Google the guy!!

Dr. Kiddinme: Clearly you’ve been traumatized. Have you tried putting yourself in a “happy place?” You know, like the last time the Bombers won the Grey Cup, when life was full of promise and Jets were in the Smythe Division.

Me: Already tried, doc. And then I remember the Argos won last Sunday even though they ONLY THREW FOR 90 YARDS. Is that even possible? Geezus, man, I think the last team to pass for 90 yards and win was the 1923 Hamilton Flying Wildcats. Actually, it was quite the story. You see, it was Doug Brown’s rookie year and….

Dr. Kiddinme: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but you could be suffering from Post WTF Disorder. Or as we refer to in the medical community, “Wacky Tactical Football” Disorder.”

Me: Whatever you call it, doc, I’ve got it bad. Seriously, they’re running out missed field goals to the 15-yard line. They’re going for one extra point instead of two when they’re down five. The Sadeghian Incident. Where does it all end?! I even watched a replay of the game on TSN2 in the middle of the night hoping LaPolice wouldn’t make the same call. But he did! It was all so horrible.

Dr. Kiddinme: Please calm down, sir. Remember, the Bombers still have a shot at the playoffs in a crossover berth. All they have to do is win one more game than the B.C. Lions. And they stink. So hang in there. It’s a long way until November.

Me: That’s what I’m so scared of, doc. The entire rest of the season looks like it might be some torturous snails race between the Bombers and Lions. That’s going to be like watching back-to-back seasons of Sex and the City. Without the Sex. It’s going to be like that gawd awful game last Sunday between the Eskimos and Alouettes. I picked the Esks to win and….

Dr. Kiddinme: Whoa. Whoa! WHOA! You picked the Edmonton Eskimos to win a football game! In Montreal? Against a professional football team?

Me: Well, uh, I just thought, um…..

Dr. Kiddinme: Dude, you’re ragging on the decision-making of the Bombers when you had a “hunch” that the 2-8 Eskimos might beat the 7-3 Als? You thought the defending Grey Cup champions might lose to a team that even Cleveland Browns fans think sucks out loud?

Me: OK, OK. If I had to do it all over again, maybe I’d do it differently. I was just hoping that going against the odds would pay off. You know, be unpredictable.

Dr. Kiddinme: Hmmm. Sound familiar?

Me: Gosh, doc, you’re right. I sound just like Paul LaPolice! It’s all making sense to me now. The meaning of life. The end of the Sopranos. What’s really inside a Chicken McNugget. I feel so much better. A little nauseous and numb, but better.

Dr. Kiddinme: See? There’s an explanation for everything, son. Even for a third-and-two call up the gut using your backup quarterback and a sparingly used running back making his first carry of the season when you’re trailing by four because you didn’t go for a two-point conversion on the last touchdown.

Me: So I’m not crazy, doc?

Dr. Kiddinme: That’s just silly. Of course you are. You picked the Eskimos. That’s the kind of crazy that makes the cast of Jersey Shore look like the Algonquin Round Table. But, hey, just hang in there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go now. The NHL season is about to start and I’ve got a bunch of Leaf fans on hold.

Me: Thanks, doc.

Dr. Kiddinme: Yer welcome. Oh, and I’ll talk to you next week.

randy.turner@freepress.mb.ca

Randy Turner
Reporter

Randy Turner spent much of his journalistic career on the road. A lot of roads. Dirt roads, snow-packed roads, U.S. interstates and foreign highways. In other words, he got a lot of kilometres on the odometer, if you know what we mean.

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