Smell of another woman’s shampoo has her in a lather

Opinion

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This article was published 03/09/2016 (3321 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My love is alive after close to 10 years, but my husband’s is dying. I have not changed, but he has. He is looking in another direction. I can’t figure out who’s after him, but I know he is too loyal to go out on the hunt himself. Something is definitely going on, so I think it must be someone he runs into at work. She could be going after him at his sales job, at his gym or at practices and games with our sons.

I can’t track his daily life, but he had a strange attitude to me the other night when he came home all distracted and I wanted sex at 10 p.m. The boys were asleep and he had been out at the gym. He said to me, “I really shouldn’t tonight.” I said, “Why not? I’m your wife,” and he looked down at his feet.

When we were in bed I reached out and touched his hair, and it was slightly damp. He had not had a shower at home. I slid over and sniffed it and it smelled like a woman’s well-known line of hair products. I was very familiar with that smell. I got up and went and smelled my hair products, then went though the partial bottles under the sink. I found a bottle of shampoo that smelled just like his hair.

I woke him up and asked him where he had been and why his hair smelled like a product I don’t use anymore. I went to his gym bag and there was men’s anti-dandruff shampoo in it. He stayed in the bedroom. I went back in and suddenly knew. I yelled, “Get up and go and shower her off!” I took my pillow and slept in the other room.

We both know what he’s been doing and neither one of us has the guts to bring it up and talk it out or our family may be ripped apart. What to do?

— Elephant in the Room, St. James

Dear Elephant in the Room: You think you can bury an elephant by not talking about it? Clearly this is not working. He hasn’t denied what you suspect and he’s not talking. You know there’s another woman involved, and you’re not talking.

It’s time to call a marriage/relationship counsellor. You’ll need to be the one to call. It’s hard to get people to give you references because other couples don’t want anyone to know there has been a crack in their marriage. What you can say to him is: “I love you and I want you to stop seeing her. I have set up an appointment with a marriage counsellor to help us and I am asking you to please come with me.” Can you imagine him saying no? It’s not likely. Even if he’s crazy for her, his kids and his family are at stake. Write back and tell me how it’s going, please.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a teacher and there’s man at my school I love very much. He is a single teacher and he doesn’t know about my feelings. I have carried this torch for three years and the summers are cold and awful when I can’t see him. I am single too, and don’t know what to do about this thing that is way more than a crush for me. I don’t know how he feels, although he doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend.

My sister says I have to make a move. She said it’s now or never because I’m almost 30. So is he. He loves his job and I love mine and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize either of our careers at this school. Help! School starts next week.

— Teacher Loves Teacher, Winnipeg

Dear Teacher Loves Teacher: Rather than spending another year wishing and hoping, it’s time to say something courageous. You might ask something silly such as, “How do you categorize me? Friend? Co-worker? Possible date if we didn’t work together? Pick 1, 2 or 3!” Then give him a big good-natured grin. Don’t look nervous and shaky, even if you feel that way.

Your question should get his attention. He may have a hidden crush, too. Or not. You’ve only prepared yourself for the negative these last three years. This time, try the positive. Warning: he may have a girlfriend in another city, or a boyfriend here in Winnipeg if that’s his thing. But find out now, not halfway through another year when you’re really grooving on this guy down the hall.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The lake year is almost over and I’m sick about it. I don’t want to go live back in the city and my wife does. I’m an artist and can work anywhere. I have discovered I’m a lake person. We rented a cabin for an extended period this summer and I don’t want to give up the lifestyle. My wife is back in the city with our two kids, and I am dragging my feet coming home. The rental ends soon, although I have extended it a week. I am deeply in love with the lake and the laid-back people around it. My wife, not so much. She’s a city girl. How do I tell her I don’t think I can come back to live in Winnipeg?

— New Country Guy, Manitoba

Dear New Country Guy: Don’t tell her that. Spend time at the lake on weekends and see how you like it when everybody goes home, the wind blows cold and it’s not the same atmosphere you fell in love with in the summer. Yes, it’s very romantic to be at the lake now, but it may have to be a part-time venture for you. You have a family to love and take care of. Unfortunately, life is not all about you and there are three people who love you and need you back in the city.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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